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Dismissed in the Interests of Justice: The incredible(and I mean incredible) true story of how a comedian, Tig Notaro, saved her brand by destroying a life

"Holy shit. This is... insane..."

Yes it was. Yes it is. Stone cold crazy, batshit, bonkers, baying at the moon, singing a loony tune. Straight up straight jacket stuff.

"...And, yet," he said, "it's kind of... sexy."

Sexy?

Only in Los Angeles would a lawyer, perusing reams of legalese -- chronicling a three year journey into hell -- think, 'hey this is hot.'

On the surface, he was looking at a case involving an illegal restraining order, first used by an infamous law firm -Lavely and Singer- as a retaliatory weapon to stop internet postings, and then as a way to sabotage a defamation lawsuit.

In other words, you diss or sue our client, we set it up so you get destroyed -- A vicious business but hardly exciting. The tactic doesn't even have a snazzy Latin name, just a boring old American one - extra judicial strategy.

Big Whoop. People lie. Lawyers suck. Water is wet. But unbutton one more button and you'll see that she or he, has the goods.

We are talking a misdemeanor pursued like a triple homicide, where a then broke comedian hired Cosby's lawyers. Said lawyers then made use of an Elite LAPD unit ( the LAPD's Threat Management Unit) to help bring criminal charges, hide witnesses, doctor police reports, fake arrests, and much more.

We are talking secret missives from lawyers to cops and prosecutors, from judges to other judges. We are talking seven search warrants (four being special circumstance warrants) eighteen man SWAT style raids, 31 days in jail- with no underlying charges to justify the jailing. We are talking bail denied, and facing the specter of being forcibly medicated and committed to Patton State Hospital for the criminally insane.

Two excruciating years, culminating in a trial. Seven charges in all. Four charges added a year and a half in dismissed a week before trial. Three charges survived till trial. Two would be acquitted by the judge, in the middle of trial, and the one that made it to a jury, would be dismissed by the judge in the almost unheard of ruling of - DISMISSAL IN THE INTERESTS OF JUSTICE.

Whoa!Whoa!Whoa! I can can hear you thinking. She sounded kinda normal there for a while. Paranoid? Schizophrenic? Paranoid Schizophrenia? - a crackpot with a conspiracy theory and a thesaurus?

If that's not bad enough, I've been struck, then stuck with the slander that I'm some celebrity stalker: The saddest of sadsacks. The loser of losers. The creepiest of all creeps.

Byron and Shelley, collaborating on an ode to say, Kim Kardashian, couldn't make it anything less than pathetic. To make it all even worse, I was apparently hounding a public figure, that almost no one in the public had heard of.

It must seem like I have a steep climb out of a deep hole. But, really I don't because the "victim," said I spooked my prey in public. Therefore, I had witnesses. Lots of witnesses. Great witnesses: Tig's own agent, a coffee shop manager, a club manager, a parole officer( moonlighting as a bouncer) and two police women.

And not just them, but the "Victim." herself. You see, she would end up giving six accounts of every allegation, and she'd change it up in an indicting way, every time.

But, before I get to the witnesses, let me give you a smidgen of context. Who was this high profile person? Who was this, "celebrity" ? ... Wait for it... Wait for it.. Wait for it... Ladies, and gentleman, it's Tig Notaro. I think most of you might still ask, who?

Notaro is a comedian, who recently raised her profile exponentially by sharing a long string of woes: mother dying in a freak accident, rare belly bug called C -Diff, and last, but not least -  breast cancer.

After she buried me, she rose Phoenix like from the ashes - with a full head of hair, a few comedy specials, and a book deal. But when this happened, she was just a struggling comedian, trying to build a brand.

And who was I? I was, and continue to be, a little green alien, who's covertly working for the CIA - to protect our great nation from a species of nefarious lizard... Kidding! Kidding! See what they've reduced me to.

But seriously, I was a former real estate agent,writer, and editor, just a few months new to L.A. I'd had some success in comedy. I did Improv, character work, and stand up, but I never followed through. I had no illusions about L.A. Since I didn't follow through, I was relegated to open mics - a dismal stomping ground. But, as the saying goes, you have to start somewhere.

Being new to L.A, I only knew a few people. One being a girl named Stephanie Willen...

(My greatest fear  is that you're going to run to the proverbial bus driver and ask him to be let off the proverbial bus. Please stay put.  We are getting to the good stuff, if you can call coming this close to being committed to a prison hospital and jaw dropping illegal legal shenanigans, the "good stuff.")

But, first I have to have you see that there was no validity to the original restraining order, and at the same time prove that the police were in on it.

This is not a case of she said vs. she said. It's a case of she said vs. what she'd later say; six versions in all. Then it's she said vs. what I'd say. And, most compellingly- she said vs. what many unbiased witnesses would say.

As Carl Sagan so sagely said, "Extraordinary claims call for extraordinary evidence."


And, I have the evidence.


The Lies

Note on the presentation:

The whole thing is really so soul crushingly simple. There is a witness at every supposed incident. These witnesses, at each incident, refute everything Notaro and/or her stated witnesses are alleging.

Witnesses like two cops, a parole officer, club managers, and most interestingly - Notaro's very own talent agent. As for my allegations -- that the cops were involved -- I have in my hot little hand all the official police documents, showing that the detectives on this case actually doctored reports and actually made up incident report numbers etc.


This is how we are going to do it. First, I'm going to tell you the truth about what happened. Then, I"m going to show you what Notaro and the police say happened. Then, I'm going to show you what the witnesses said happened. 

I can show you all of Notaro's six different versions( what she swore to in an affidavit, then told police, then under oath in court, then to an investigator, then to the prosecutors, and then in the civil suits)  of the story, and how rife with ridiculous inconsistencies they would become. I can also show how her versions clashed with the versions of her alleged witnesses. But I don't want to overwhelm you.)

I don't expect you to take my word. I wouldn't just take my word without evidence.I'm just a stranger on the internet after all.

For much more documentation about her lies and the transcripts etc. please see this link http://henypire.blogspot.fi/2016_03_07_archive.html?m=1



The, "incidents."

First "incident" August 29th 2007

Setting:Tsunami coffee shop


Description from Metromix magazine online.
Neighborhood: Silver Lake
4019 Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90029
323-661-7771
Comedy poetry open mic Wednesdays ( which was the day and time of the “incident” of August 29th,2007)

For this music, comedy, and poetry night follow these instructions: Walk through the door, sign up, wait nervously, get called onto the stage, do your thing, try not to feel awkward.
Be warned, crossing back through the stage to duck out early will get you a chorus of raised eyebrows and a few remarks like, 'Where are you going?' 


I said:

At Tsumani, I saw ex friend Stef Willen with Notaro - who I'd never met before. I chatted with Willen - the awkward small talk you make with people you don't like anymore hence the ex in front of friend. I hung around and listened to some poor to middling poetry and some bad to so so jokes. The night ended as they say, without incident. For nine months, I never saw or heard from either of them again.


Notaro  said: 

In the sixth different versions she'd claim I verbally attacked her in six different ways. In the affidavit I'd called her cunt dyke bitch at Tsunami. But in court she forgot that and now I was not calling her that then, but on a different occasion. The verbal attacks she'd invent were either inside or outside   She couldn't keep even that straight. She'd claim to have been pushed by me after the verbal tirades, but again one time it was inside, one time it was outside. Once she stood between me and Stephanie and then Stephanie said she'd stand between me and Notaro. Notaro would be consistent about only one thing- that at some point I'd pushed her.


What appeals court said: 


In August 2007, Notaro and Willen were in a cafe having coffee when Spitzberg approached their table and began to yell insults at them, including fucking dyke, ugly, cunt, and bitch. They ignored Spitzberg, who followed them outside, became more belligerent, and shoved/pushed Notaro. Spitzberg denied pushing Notaro.


What coffee shop manager and witness Sam Consuegra(succinctly) said:



Sam #2:






"Incident" two - Largo Comedy/ Night club, April 7th 2008

 What I say happened: 

From Tsunami to Largo, nine months have passed. Nine months: The time it takes a baby to gestate and drop into the cold cruel world. I go to a show at a club called Largo. The show I wanted to see was MCed by Notaro, but since I had nothing against her and thought she had nothing against me, I didn't think twice about it. I paid my five bucks, had a beer, and enjoyed the show.

I had no intention of approaching Notaro, but Notaro approached me after the show. Seeing her standing over me at the bar, I instinctively(and honestly) said,  "good show."

 She said, "thanks."Then with the weirdest look on her face( a mixture of glee and spite, if I had to give it a description) she said, "You pushed me... you pushed me the last time I saw you." She then walked away to talk to a then unidentified woman. I walked over and asked, "Did you just say I pushed you?"

Notaro did the 'ready for my check' wave. A man appeared, and she told him, "Get her out of here." I sputtered a few times, and the little guy she'd summoned ( I'd assumed was a bouncer,) said, "You've got to go. The artist gets what the artist wants."


As I said, before it was all over Notaro would be forced to make six separate statements as to each "incident"
Most significantly, take a look at what Notaro said under oath, at the hearing to get a permanent restraining order.

 I WAS SPEAKING TO MY AGENT, ALISA INTERRUPTED ME, AND SAID:"YOU DON'T REMEMBER 
ME. DO YOU REMEMBER ME?" I SAID, "I DO," AND THEN TURNED BACK TO MY AGENT. THEN SHE INTERRUPTED ME AGAIN. SHE SAID "I DON'T THINK YOU REMEMBER ME." I SAID, "I DO REMEMBER YOU. TIME I MET YOU YOU WERE AGGRESSIVE. YOU PUSHED ME, AND I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU AT ALL."THEN SHE GOT IN MY FACE AND -- IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME, I WILL TELL YOU WHAT SHE SAID.
THE COURT: TELL ME WHAT SHE SAID
MS. NOTARO: SHE CALLED ME A CRAZY DIKE CUNT GOT IN THE MY FACE. AND AT THAT POINT I HAD THE SECURITY REMOVE HER


what appeals court said, cause they had only the transcript and her affidavit to work with:

On the evening of April 7, 2008, after Notaro performed at Largo, Spitzberg approached her and asked Notaro if she remembered her. Notaro said that she remembered meeting her and that Spitzberg had been aggressive and had pushed her. Notaro then said she did not want to talk to Spitzberg and told Spitzberg to leave her alone. Spitzberg became enraged. Notaro was fearful that the situation would escalate and had Michael Griffee, the doorman at Largo, escort Spitzberg out of the club.



What witness Heidi Feigin said:

Heidi Feigin- was notaro’s agent and went to see her that night. investigator’s report for public defender.

When asked if this female subject caused any trouble at the show at Largo at this night in question, Feigin said no she had caused no problems on that particular evening. She stated she had just sat at the back of this club and next to the bar while watching the show. When asked if she had seen this unknown female subject ever make contact with Notaro on that night in question, Feigin said no. When asked if she knew the unknown subject’s name, Feigin once again stated no.


What this agent, Heidi Feigin told my public defender in March of 2010 during the criminal trial stemming from these lies- (Alissa Malzman (public defender who took the case to trial handwriting.) See below:



Heidi Feigin said to my public defender by phone: Tig had her manager call to say "why are you testifying for the other side" Didn't' see any disturbance at all. Ddidn't see any disturbance. Tig's account of the story.




From April 7th until April 12th 2008:


Over the next three days, I tried to contact Notaro. I tried to contact Willen. I tried to contact the club. Anything to clear it up. No luck.
If Largo was a pizza joint, I'd get my slices elsewhere. But, I didn't want to be blacklisted from comedy, and especially under the false pretense of someone who pushed someone and now was worthy of being kicked out of places.

 This had to be a misunderstanding. I went back with my sister to try and straighten things out.


"Incident" three - April 12th 2008


I said:

The manager was standing outside. I told him what had happened and asked if I could talk to Notaro. I was treated to the,"Whatever the artist wants," spiel again, and some added obnoxiousness thrown in. There was nothing left to do but leave.

A few feet away stood a handsome African American man. He'd watched the entire exchange, and told us he sympathized with us. He was the bouncer for the Dime bar, and he invited us in for a drink. The Largo manager's attitude had left us dispirited so we declined politely and left.

What Notaro said:

That me and my sister kept the club in lockdown for 3-5 hours, banging on doors, running up and down the street, screaming, "get the dyke." The manager, Mark Flanagan, had to call the police and so he did. The police arrived at the scene but me and my sister had gone/fled before they could arrive


Appeals court said:

 Notaro performed again at Largo on April 12, 2008. When Notaro was standing outside the club talking to the owner, she saw Spitzberg and her sister running toward her. Notaro ran inside before they could make physical contact with herThe owner did not let Spitzberg inside the club and called the police. Spitzberg and her sister went to the club's back door, where they verbally abused the owner and the doorman and yelled, "`We're going to get that fucking dyke.'" Spitzberg left the club before the police officers arrived. According to Spitzberg, Largo's owner and another man at the back door were abusive to her and her sister, and they returned their insults. Spitzberg denied screaming or using obscenities. 


What the handsome bouncer(who we'd find out was also a parole officer) said:



 I am the door guy at the dime which is no more than 16 feet away from where largo once was. I remember the day in question and remember nothing happen(ing) I even
talked to the ladies for a minute or two and invited them inside the dime for a drink. These ladies are good people to be around and everything that this woman said is a lie.


Julius Quinn Robert's Affidavit



Nothing Happened. Anyone saying anything different is a liar.


Does everyone but Notaro fail to see and hear violence and other assorted mayhem?

Okay so... so far three people, Sam, Heidi, and Julius, are saying that Notaro is seeing and hearing things that did not remotely take place. She is alleging verbal and physical assaults and we have three unbiased bystanders saying that absolutely nothing of any note took place.

 Remember though how I told you I can prove the LAPD's Threat Management were involved in a nefarious way?



 A year and a half after this all started, the then prosecutor, Martin Boags, sent out for the police records that had to exist if the allegations of police being called, and coming were true.

Since Notaro's and the police accounts said that police were called and came to Largo on the night of April 12th 2008, Martin Boags, the prosecutor at the time, requested any formal police documents that had to exist, if 911 is called and police show up.


 Here's his request:






The appeals court got the police coming story from Notaro's affidavit and court testimony. Here's Notaro's version that the police detective, John Gregozek, would submit as verified fact:











( Imagine a club full of people out for a night of laughs, being stuck in lock-down for five hours with two maniacs trying to break down doors and break in windows,and not one person using their cell phones to save themselves. Maybe they counted on management for that, except a year and a half later, a prosecutor sends away for the 911 call and finds out none were made. Ergo no police came only to be foiled by the wily absconding Spitzbergs.)


When Martin Boags ordered those records, he learned that no such call was made and so no police arrived. This is what Martin Boags got in response to his request:




NO RECORD OF ANY KIND. Note that the charge was filed on August 25th or before. So for a little over a year no one would order such records




So what does that mean to Boags and to this case?

It means that Notaro and two of the "witnesses" she brought to the restraining order hearing( Kevin Seccia, Michael Griffee,) lied about police involvement under oath. It means that John Gregozek has not only included it in his police reports, as fact, but swore to it being true, under oath in now six search warrants dating all the way to the time Boags ordered these records in September of '09.

Meaning he's lied about it for a little over a year. It means something is very wrong with the case against me. It means it should never have never been brought and now must be dismissed. It means that not only did Notaro lie to police but she perjured herself in an affidavit and in court, under oath. It means that Gregozek also committed perjury by swearing to this under oath because he should have checked and according to all evidence, he did check. But I only knew that no police were called or came till a year and a half later.

Back to April of 2008:

Bemoaning my fate online from April 12th -29th 2008:

It felt as if the only thing left to do was to bemoan my fate online. Basically, I went on a message board called datalounge, and did a little virtual fist shaking; asking if anyone ever heard of this Tig, and why this annoyingly named person was such an asshole. It turned out that a few people, who followed alternative comedy, had heard of her, but most didn't. But it was agreed by all that indeed she was behaving like a true blue asshole.

I have to make it very clear that I never posted anything resembling a threat. To make it clearer, nothing in that thread, or anything I ever wrote online, was  used, or  mentioned, in any of the legal proceedings that were to follow. All written by me was strictly protected by the first amendment. Nothing was even untrue and therefore though I would sue for defamation no one every sued or even counter-sued me for defamation.

(Later I would find out that during the duration of that thread, Notaro's lawyer, Allison Hart Sievers of Lavely and Singer, had sent a series of cease and desist letters to datalounge. None were ever produced so I do not know what they said but I do know that Lavely and Singer's cease and desist/threat letters are legendary.http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/thr-esq/marty-singer-brett-ratner-new-york-magazine-letter-350616


Last "incident" - April 29th 2009. Please remain seated.

Seventeen days later, I went to the Improv for an open mic.

In the foyer was a poster of Notaro. She was going to be there later that night.
 I must have looked like a hitchhiker, who just noticed that the passenger'd side door handle had been removed. I called my sister. "Tig is coming here. Tig is coming here. What do I do!!!"

"Oh for god's sake, chill the fuck out," said my sister, "Even if you are still there when she comes, she won't do anything.  Who knows maybe she'll even feel sorry."

"Do you think?"

"Could be. She's human, isn't she?"

Having been talked down, I signed up for the open mic. At some point I went outside to smoke a cigarette. A comedian(Brian Whitaker) came out to have a smoke too. We talked for a bit when suddenly his eyes widened. It was Brian's turn to look at me like the doomed hitchhiker whose stop had come and gone. "Hey I recognize you. You're Alisa. Your picture and your sister's picture have been faxed to the club. I'm sorry but you can't come back in."

Oh my god. What is wrong with this crazy bitch?

I called my sister, this time crying. She came over.

O.K I think you know where this is headed- (the artist wants what the artist wants blah blah blah.)


 We were by the car when the cops showed up. She had actually called the fucking police?!

Officers Badar and Montalvo acted all coplike at first, with the stay there, no funny moves routine. Badar stood guard as Montalvo went inside to talk to Notaro and who knows who else.

Montalvo reemerged after a few minutes, and went into a huddle with Badar. They both looked confused. Then their miens seemed to change - they became friendly. Badar said, "Go home ladies. There has been no crime here." And then she said something that made little sense at the time, "If I were you. I'd get a lawyer."

"Why would we need a lawyer?"

" I just would, if I were you."

I guess even where's there no crime, cops don't go in for conversation. We went home but didn't call a lawyer. What would I need a lawyer for?

She said: 

 She was contacted by a Leslie Wolf or a friend or a promoter and told that I was present at the Improv and pushing people, screaming watch her back, casing the joint, saying I knew where she lived and the make and model of her car and that her friend Nick Kroll witnessed all this cause he was with her.


Appeals said :


On April 29, 2008, Notaro was driving to perform a show at the Hollywood Improv club when the promoter called her to inform her that Spitzberg had been removed from the club. When Notaro arrived, she saw Spitzberg outside the club, talking to people. Notaro entered the club through a side door. The security guard for the Improv club, Brian Whitaker, told Notaro that Spitzberg said that she knew where Notaro lived, the color and make of Notaro's car, and the car's license plate number. Spitzberg, her mother, and her sister remained outside the front of the club and verbally attacked other performers, patrons, and security guards for over two hours. Notaro attempted to leave the club, but because she felt unsafe, she remained in the club. The police were called, but they were unable to take any action because Notaro's life had not been directly threatened. After the Spitzbergs left, Notaro went home.


TMU said







Please note that Gregozek did not say there was an arrest(though the minutes of the court would say so for the duration of the criminal case and so Martin Boags would send away for arrest records,) but he did include an incident number. Please, see last line of first paragraph.

Nick Kroll was also there to hear her cancer diagnosis. HMMMM. His testimony would be in stark contrast to Officer Montalvo's intended testimony and it could have gotten him into a lot of trouble.



Why is that Important. It's important because not only did Gregozek repeatedly write that the police were called, and that they cam was a confirmed fact, but he would write an incident number for any prosecutor or judge to see.



Neither Montalvo or Badar filled out any reports that night - No police report or incident report. Why then would Gregozek invent one for the occasion? If he was on the up and up he'd have contacted Montalvo and Badar, and included their finding in his report. Instead he doesn't do that but rather inserts a number that doesn't exist. It's a number that does not coincide with any report in in this case. It is completely fabricated.


The only answer could be that Gregozek was trying to make me look as bad as possible to anyone seeing his report. First, he had to have known that no police were called or came the night of the 12th. But, still he'd written it as verified fact. Now he had to have known that Montalvo and Badar had concluded that no crime occurred and so they did not see fit to make any record. This time he'd go as far as to invent a number so any future prosecutor or judge would think there was all sorts of police involvement in this case.


Since no one would tell me Montalvo or Badar's name till deep into the malicious prosecution, I did not get an affidavit from either. But when this case was going to trial, the public defender, Alissa Malzman, would contact Montalvo (no one seemed to be able to contact Badar) and Alissa told me Montalvo told her that she concluded that no crime occurred and so did not see any good reason to fill out any reports. She also told Malzman she'd be a witness for my defense.


Last line: Officer Montalvo is ordered to be on call to the defense


(Montalvo would be put on the prosecutions witness list without her permission 





 Montalvo

Wow. A cop ready to go against other cops. A cop who would not only testify that Notaro and Nick Kroll's accounts were false and malicious, but would make it clear that Gregozek invented an incident number, to assist in a malicious prosecution against me, and then even swore to it in his search warrants. Only the good die young. Jacqueline Montalvo came to court on February 22nd 2010,to be sworn in as my witness. On February 25th 2010 -- three days later--  she was dead. A car accident. 




http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2010/02/offduty-lapd-officer-killed-in-diamond-bar-car-accident.html


Moving on.

In her affidavit, Notaro had also spoken of a sheriff sneaking her into a side door after distracting me. Sheriff at the side door? A sheriff sneaking her into the side door? Was he wearing a Stetson and big brass badge? Later we found out there was no side door at the Improv, and obviously no sheriff, because he would have shown up in this case. So no side door and no Sheriff. No shit.

Since the minutes of the court would say that there was an actual arrest on this night, Boags would order those records too 


Boags ordered:





Boags received in return:







One week later - May 5th 2008

Two hard knocks on the door. Two giants to my 5'6 inch eyes stand in the doorway. They introduced themselves as Detective Gregozek (cue Jaws music) and Detective Hoffman. LAPD. I immediately knew it was about Notaro, since I didn't have a beef with any one else and no one I knew had been recently murdered. I was happy to see them. Maybe they could talk some sense into her and I could resume my life pre false allegation.

We'd find out later they'd just come from the offices of Lavely and Singer, where they'd pick up a temporary restraining order and a small stack of internet postings from the message board, "datalounge."

"Did you write about Tig on the internet?" asked Gregozek

"Yes.There were no threats. Is it illegal now to make fun of someone on the internet?"

The easy admission seemed to deflate him. "No... it's not illegal, but it is illegal to push someone."

" She's seriously still sticking to that lie?"

"Well Stephanie is saying it too."

Oh my god. What is wrong with these crazy bitches.


Gregozek filled me in on what I'd been doing, behind my very own back, for the last few months.  Basically, behaving in a grossly undignified manner - pushing, ranting, raving at people and stationary objects. A narrative was being created for me, whether one bit true or not.

Between my, "oh my god she's lying, oh my god they're lying, oh dear god why are they lying like this," I remembered all the people who had to have shared Notaro's traumas - the witnesses.

Back then, I only knew them by their generic identities - the barista, the bouncer, the brunette that was standing near Notaro at Largo,  the coffee shop people, the club goers, and the cops.

Holy Cow - CCTV. Holy double cow - the cops. Those two female cops!

I almost felt sorry for Notaro. She really fucked herself over. You can mess with me but not with the mighty LAPD. Gregozek and Hoffman did not appear to care about my Perry Mason moment. They got off the sofa and presented me with the temporary R.O, " You can tell all that to a judge.

"But... But... But... "

"We're not Stupid. We see what's going on." said Hoffman in a tone supportive of my side of the story.

Of course he did! They were actual detectives.

"But why do I have to see a judge then?"

Just stay off the internet," Gregozek said, "and you'll be fine. From what I can tell she won't even show up."

"But how would you know that?"

"Just stay off the internet and you'll be fine."

(Later I'd call him and he'd change it up with, " Just stay off the internet and you're legal troubles are over.")

"But how is it illegal to tell people she's lying about me when she is?"

"It's only a problem when you have a permanent hearing coming up," he said in a no more questions you bore me baritone.

Gregozek and Hoffman left. I wouldn't see them again till a year and a half later, when they came back with 18 friends in riot gear -One with a battering ram.

The papers they gave me held the first clue as to who the the brunette lady was at Largo.( It was Tig's talent agent, Heidi Feigin.Notaro made it her business to tell anyone reading about how her agent from William Morris was present on that evening,)And, a new name, a name I'd never heard of, someone named Nick Kroll. But Kroll's name wouldn't seem significant till years later. Then, he just seemed like just another lying comedian.

Notaro's official affidavit embellished new horrors: Me and my sister acting like B movie gangsters mixed with rednecks - watch your back see, gay bashing, hate criming through the streets of West Hollywood, casing the joint see, shoving, dodging the coppers on the night of April 12th. Notaro was also supplying me with all kinds of dialogue - providing me with words and expressions I'd never use.

The first version of the perversion was signed by Notaro, and though it had a name of a law firm, Lavely and Singer, on top, there was no bar number and no lawyer's signature. It was all filled out by hand.

I googled Lavely and Singer. It said they were a boutique law firm. That conjured up images of small stylish storefronts selling dresses, hats, gloves, and all manner of lovely little things.  Not too alarming.

I googled Notaro, to get some insight into her. She had a Myspace page. Aha! I saw that the cops were right about her not showing up- she would be appearing in Denver on the day of the hearing.

I looked up Gregozek and Hoffman. Nothing about them then. If I had gone a little deeper- searched a little more, I would found out about Lavely and Singer, and I would have known that John Gregozek and James Hoffman were not regular LAPD. They worked for the LAPD's Threat Management Unit- a unit that only dealt with the city's more serious stalking cases.

(A few years later, I did find an intriguing blog that discusses both the TMU and Lavely and Singer. Jim(sic)Gregozek shows up https://losangeleslessconfidential.wordpress.com/


 I would have also found out that the TMU's former head, Robert Martin, had recently been represented by Lavely and Singer in a defamation claim against an author and Penguin Publishing. The gist was that a David Waddell wrote about a book about shady dealing with celebrity stalking and security cases and had written critical things about the Threat Management Unit.

Later I'd see that this unit had been featured in L.A magazine, and years later they even got their only show ( unimaginatively called Stalker and thankfully cancelled quickly,) but before the hearing, and for a few months, I thought they were just regular LAPD detectives. Even without knowing their true identity, it begged the question, was it normal practice for two big strapping detectives to act as process servers who advise you to stay off the internet?

Was Notaro more powerful than Jennifer Aniston?

Jennifer Aniston? What are you on about? How did Jennifer Aniston get involved in all this?

It turned out that Aniston and Notaro had a few things in common.


1.They both wanted R.O's.
2.They both got them in a Santa Monica court.
3.They both were represented by Lavely and Singer.
4. Both cases were given to the TMU with Gregozek as lead detective.

Now the differences:

1.Jennifer Anistons' application for the temporary order  is 96 pages -stuffed with police reports, incidence reports, her lawyer's( who has a name - Evan Spiegel)affidavits, her affidavit's, Gregozek's lengthy affidavit.

2.Notaro's is a one page emailed affidavit and three pages of hand written filled out  court forms.

3.The TMU is out and proud as the unit involved in Aniston's case. In my case the TMU and Gregozek are operating on the down low. Gregozek is nowhere to found on paper, or at the hearing.

4.In Aniston's case everything is typwritten with the lawyers signature in two spaces. In my case, the lawyer's bar number is not included and not only would she not show up to the hearing, she did not write anything or even sign the forms as required if Notaro was indeed represented.



Vs
No bar number






Aniston's RO request is signed by her Lavely and Singer lawyer



Vs

No signature



Notaro

No Bar Number

Notaro's lists Los Angeles Police






For more of the huge difference between Jennifer Anniston's requests and Notaro's

Please read this link http://tmz.vo.llnwd.net/o28/newsdesk/tmz_documents/0720_aniston_2.pdf

and compare it to Notaro's request. This was the entirety of what was filed in the Santa Monica courthouse




Whne you are Nick Kroll BFF and a Lavely and Singer client no need to even provide one reason for this emergency ex part order. You see, Mathilde "Tig" Notaro doesn't just want a restraining order. She wants a special one. The ones reserve for cases so extreme that even the due process benefit of notice be denied the soon to be restrained. But she is not required to fill the required information out because....


This too appears to have been filed on May 5th








There is a lot of stuff going on this page. But it would take me nearly six years to understand that the most important few lines were these. More exactly - on the  who was there part -  the name, Nick Kroll.
None of these people showed up to court btw. Not even Nick Kroll. Billioanirse sons' don't have to lie in person in the early morning.
page 3






page 4







Page 5 









pg 6



And although there is no evidence of the TMU or any of their detectives in the restraining order filing or hearing we do see that Gregozek was doing deliveries for Lavely and Singer. He'd driven all the way to the Santa Monica Courthouse to filed a proof of service. Maybe have a chat with the judge while he was there?  

In short, as of May 2008, the TMU were strictly acting as errand boys with badges. They don't exist in any real way until criminal charges are filed right after I'd sue Notaro for defamation.

My dying words will be," If I knew then what I know now." And, my epitaph, " Shoulda, coulda, woulda."

I shoulda taken out a billboard on Sunset Boulevard, with these words:

My dearest Tig,

I know you love the sound of your own name. Don't get me wrong, I love it too. And yet what does it stand for? Terrific Incredible Genius. Get it? TIG. Madonna, Elvis, Oprah, Cher, Charo, even Jesus are yesterday's news. The world needs a new one namer and Tig is that name. Please please please stop trying to destroy my life.

Your most humblest admirer,

Alisa Spitzberg


We shoulda and coulda hauled ass to find witnesses before the hearing; taken out an ad in the Los Angeles Times,


If you've been at this place at this time and saw nothing unusual please call Alisa Spitzberg at this number.


At the time, and now, I don't like to haul ass. Most of all, I wouldn't have listened to the oddly honest lawyer I spoke to - who told me that though he charged five thousand dollars, he wouldn't take my money, because no judge would grant such an order with no evidence and based on a push, real or imagined, that happened 9 months ago, especially since no one even called the cops.

Instead of doing any of that, on the day of the hearing, I drove down to the Santa Monica Courthouse, in a stupid state of calm. Yeah, the two cops were somewhat sketchy, but real bad apples only existed in movies or down in Compton. While Gregozek and Hoffman weren't exactly in season Honeycrisp, they couldn't have worms at their center.

As for judges: I thought they were the ultimate adults of the universe. If that Burbank attorney thought he couldn't take our money, no judge could see it differently. Again, I felt twisted pity for this Tig person. If she in fact did show up, she'd be shamed in open court, fined, or even jailed for false statements.


Well, that didn't happen.

I cannot emphasize just how much I didn't get what I was getting into. The Lavely and Singer lawyer, Allison Hart Sievers, never showed up to the hearing. If the lawyer of note is not present, the proceeding cannot continue. For Notaro to proceed without a lawyer, she'd have to file a substitution of attorney and go Pro Per (representing herself) Meaning, they'd have to postpone the hearing till that was all sorted out.

The judge had to say, "Where's your lawyer, Ms. Notaro? I don't know if you know, but Ms. Sievers knows that if she's not here we can't proceed. Where are these cops you list as just LAPD? And who are all these people who you've brought to court?

 They sure didn't fill out any affidavits and are not even mentioned in your affidavit. It's terribly unfair that Ms. Spitzberg cannot have a way to properly cross examine them, and you just made major inconsistent statements without even cross examination so...And, one more thing Ms. Notaro, who the hell are these three roommates, Kjell Bjorgen, Thomas Sharpe, and Chris Fairbanks, you list here? Are these the men you've brought with you? No? None are here today? So you're telling me you want to restrain her from three men who are not even present. Ms. Notaro, I think you are a very shady lady. You've got some splaining to do."


Well, that didn't happen.


I won't go through the whole hearing, I'll just offer you the low-lights: Rosenberg helped Tig when she couldn't remember dates, when she couldn't remember locations, helped refresh her memory to what she or her witness's already said. He didn't force them to sit outside when the others testified as required by law. He didn't notice that the information she spouted in court did not match up to what she'd written in her affidavit. ( Just one example: Now I didn't go to Largo to stalk Tig I'd come to stalk Stephanie. After 9 months of no contact I'd somehow took an insane guess that Stephanie followed Tig around to all locations. HUH? )He didn't notice that one witness, Micheal Griffee completely changed his story right from moment to moment, right in front of him.

The clincher to him was that I had checked her schedule on MySpace. When I saw I was being railroaded, I asked for a continuance because of how I read she would be in Denver at the time of the hearing. Saying I saw this on her Myspace to him was an admission so damning, that he almost said, AHA!

Her witnesses babbled on unabated, with no way for me to prove they were lying cause they'd never supplied any previous statements. A three year CLETS was awarded to her and her three roommates(who'd I'd never seen or even heard of. Later I'd find out that two of them never lived with her at anytime, much less at the time of that hearing.)

Avoiding Notaro would be relatively easy, but keeping a non jailable distance from all men of roommate age was no way to live. I'd only feel safe around ladies who were not Tig, which again was no way to live.

Would people actually come into court and lie under oath? I have to believe most people would never do that. But if you spent five minutes in the L.A comedy scene, then you wouldn't be as surprised. For instance, Stephanie Willen went from being a secretary of a gossip columnist to thanking Tig for getting her a job as her camera woman, and being promised trips to Aspen,


From Tig Notaro's Myspace, posted to Stef Willen's Myspace the day after the restraining order "hearing," where Willen was willing to perjure herself. 
May 29 2008 4:05 PM 

80 degrees, sunny, mariposa st., sushi dinner, swim in the hot springs tomorrow on our drive up to aspen, comedy festival dinner party friday night, hike saturday morning in the mountains, tell jokes for 15 minutes saturday night and make monthly income for june, take sunday off to hang out in aspen with friends, fly home to LA to shoot 2 more episodes. thankfully a couple of vacations are coming up after this hectic schedule.



Tig Notaro posting to Stef Willen's MySpace a few months later. She got to make all sorts of comedian friends and Tig Notaro bought her a new horse, for heaven's sake.


Aug 4 2008 8:21 PM 

do you know you are in kjell's top friends? things are really looking up for you! congrats on that AND the new horse.

 and actually getting Funny or Die video( With Notaro and Nick Kroll)credits, and even a small spot on NPR's this American Life. Open Mic-er Brian Whitaker never had a paying gig since being in L.A was suddenly on his My Space talking about opening at the Improv for Notaro and saying, "Thanks for the gig Tig."


A month later, on June 29th 2008, I began my unpaid legal career by filing a notice of appeal.




July 14th 2008


During the two months that followed the granting of the order, I went out a few times to comedy clubs. I kept to the more fringe ones - places I'd hoped my wanted poster wasn't posted by the bar. One night, I was standing in a venue called El Cid. I ended up talking to a girl named Martha Kelly (who I knew from Tig's MySpace was a friend of Tig's.)

One side effect of all this fuckery was, that apropos of almost anything, I'd start babbling about the THING. I was recently run over and the tracks were still fresh. Tig's name was too easy an invitation to refuse.

Somewhere in the recounting of the THING, I said to Kelly, "She needs to stop doing this, she's killing my mother." Besides being the most limp wristed strong arm tactic in the history of provocation, it was also true. My mother is a refined little Hungarian, from a generation, where restraining orders are strictly given to drunk men in wife beaters. The fact of her ex yeshiva girl getting one was too much to bear. Plus, it broke her heart that I was stopped from doing comedy.

Not only would she not stop this, this got worse. Why Notaro was so cruel will never make sense. She shouldn't have won but she won, but she seemed to want more. My name popped up all over the internet. Grade school scarlet letter stuff. The ugliest slander imaginable. So ugly I have a hard time repeating it.

A Harris Wittels told the world I stalked many female comedians. So did some stranger named Jazz Ponce.  A Scott Boxenbaum referred to me many times as a stalker, the town weirdo and more. When I tried to respond in any way I was either attacked or blocked from the site. Later I'd find out that the people who were either saying vicious things or were making sure I couldn't protect myself against the viciousness, were all connected to Nick Kroll. At the time though it just made no sense and it felt like hell.

Stalking is a crime and being wrongfully accused of it is actionable.If it's a lie, the person saying or spreading the slander on the internet is liable for libel. So I continued my uncompensated legal career by writing a defamation suit(I couldn't get a lawyer without paying a lot of money, I didn't have, upfront.)


And then things went from the miserable to the horrible.

I filed the suit on August 11th 2008. A few days later, on August 19th 2008, I got a letter in the mail from the office of the city attorney-


Very curiously the charge would only be filed on August 25th 2008 and you have to wonder why this letter was rushed out before any official filing

They were pursuing a charge on a misdemeanor violation of a restraining order, but what for? The letter didn't tell me. And since I didn't do anything, I couldn't even guess.

My mother called Gregozek to find out, and while she was at it she asked how they could criminally charge me when he and Hoffman knew Notaro was a liar. She got off the phone looking a mix of confused and scared.

"Is suing someone for defamation illegal?"

"Of course not. What did he say?"

He said, "What could I do. You sued her, didn't you?"

Even without Detective blabbermouth admitting it, it wasn't hard to figure out what was going on.

As a lawyer would say in the near future, " These people are obviously commandeering  the system and I don't know why?"

-In a message dated 4/13/2009 4:20:17 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time, howard@lieberlaw.com writes:
Hi Alisa,

I understand your frustration, I really do.  These people are obviously commandeering the justice system for their own petty purposes and it needs to stop Unfortunately, it doesn't appear that the system knows it's being commandeered, and it comes down to your word against hers and the DA and cop who inexplicably believe her.  
I will walk in on the 16th a motion, probably the Pitchess and the discovery motion.  I will bring the motion to dismiss once we complete those motions, as we will perhaps have more information to support the dismissal at that point.  In fact, I foresee bringing the motion to dismiss on multiple occasions before and during trial.

As far as depositions are concerned, we're going to have to wait on that.  We are not entitled to a deposition in a criminal proceeding, only to have her on the stand to confront and cross-examine at the trial.  The deposition is for the civil suit, which must necessarily happen after the criminal case is over.  

Good question future lawyer. How the hell is Notaro so powerful that she outpowers Jennifer Aniston? So powerful that she gets the TMU to try and sabotage a defamation suit? Not to mention how the hell is she paying for those Lavely and Singer lawyers, who we since found out were as high powered, and expensive as it gets.( Averaging 500 bucks an hour.)

I'm going to tell you my theory in a minute. Please pay attention cause this is the most important part of everything. Remember, Notaro and her lawyer knew she was being sued on August 11th. Let's look at Gregozek's version of what happened.


July 14th - That night Martha Kelly makes an urgent call to Notaro, immediately. She tells her that not only was I worried about my mother's health but that I want firearms.

August 1 (18 days later- 2 weeks and four days). Notaro suddenly feels the need to call Gregozek and tell him what Kelly has told her. Gregozek doesn't write a report.

August 8

He, and two other detectives, ride from Downtown L.A to Hermosa Beach to show Kelly one photo(me presumably) While there they take no witness statements. They will conduct no further investigation whatsoever.




August 11th - lawsuit filed


August 19th- a letter dated August 19th is sent to me informing me that I've been charged with a misdemeanor by a Phyllis Henderson(Whom I'd never hear from or see again.)

August 22nd - Gregozek attempts to get a stalking charge filed, but A City Attorney named Webster rejects it. We'd learn about this in a very roundabout way - when we went to find out the names of Montalvo and Badar a cop there looked at his computer screen and told us this.

August 25th - According to the file, I am officially charged with one count- misdemeanor, which is strange considering the August 19th letter from the Office of the City Attorney. Why send a letter about a charge that hasn't even been filed yet?

So we're supposed to believe that Notaro gets an urgent call from Martha Kelly -  a restrained person is talking about guns. How does she respond? She sits around for two weeks and four days, and then apropos of nothing special happening, she decides to call her cop, Gregozek, to report it. Then, for seven days, Gregozek and the TMU sit on their asses and then on the eighth day, the TMU lets three Elite Detectives, Gregozek, Hoffman, and Defoe, take a day trip to Hermosa Beach - to show a... photo to Martha Kelly? They take no statements? They don't speak to Notaro?

So the day after I sue Notaro, Gregozek goes in for an arrest warrant. Now the law is that when to comes to misdemeanors an officer must witness the crime to get such a warrant so that is very suspicious to begin with. But for whatever reason whomever calls the shots rejects his application.

What had to have happened:

 Kelly tells Notaro about the conversation. End of story. More than two weeks later, on the 11th or after, Allison Sievers gets the heads up that Notaro has been sued, and Gregozek, being the good soldier that he is, gets a call from Sievers, telling him what she wants him to do. That day he goes to submit his police report to get an arrest warrants and is rebuffed. He gives up on the warrant business but shops around for a prosecutor to sign off on a one count misdemeanor( Violation of a court order.)

A letter is sent to me on August 19th, telling me of some charge. He's done his duty but Notaro wants more, so Allison is directed to get Gregozek to bring him a prized charge of stalking. A City Attorney by the name of Webster, rejects it, we'd find out.

Gregozek presents no witness statements, no evidence of any kind and not even the restraining order(we'd also soon find out) so they have no semblance of a triable case and they know it. As you will see soon, the first plea I am offered is ten days in jail- an outrageous offer that no defendant would ever take. And for the next court appearance the plea will become informal diversion- a few hours of anger management and stay out of trouble for a a year and you'll have no record.

Why thank you good sirs, of course I'd take that.


But, I didn't. I didn't do the one thing they bet on from the start- take a plea when innocent.


But why... why would these people try to hard to please her? Maybe she had family in the Mafia? Notaro did sound Italian. Or, maybe her father is some powerful millionaire. I looked a little into it, and her father might be Italian, but he definitely wasn't a powerful millionaire.  She did claim to be Sarah Silverman's best friend but was she so powerful? I don't think so. Sorry Sarah.

So here's the theory as to to how little Tig was managing to have the TMU, and the prosecutors, do her bidding.

We'd learn much much later she did have a friend - a friend who said he'd go to Greenland for her cause he'd do anything for her. And he also said she was his oldest and best comedy friend. And this friend's father is very very powerful and not just a millionaire, but a multi billionaire with connections.Not just connections but very specific connections to the players in my case.

His name is Nick Kroll.

Who is Nick Kroll?

At the time, Nick Kroll, was a struggling comedian, without the struggle, and yes that Nick Kroll- the one who allegedly witnessed the most important "incident." The same Nick Kroll that lied about the car being full of beer cans the cops failed to see, and who we surely never saw on the scene. And he was supposed to be Tig's most important witness according to her affidavit and the police report, but he didn't show up to the R.O hearing.

No matter how many times it's proven that people, especially in the fucked up justice system, do get together to do bad and then cover each other's asses, believing in conspiracies will always be shorthand for organic brain disease.


I have no use for conspiracy theories or the people who believe in them. I feel sorry and annoyed at the tragic but still annoying souls who get get stuck on them: Doomed to sit in darkened rooms, chain smoking and scribbling on the walls. Black sharpied circles and arrows, spiderwebbing into red sharpied gotchas, to be shared in dark web chatrooms with other weirdos.

So with each new character, the conspiracy grows. If you harass a waiter and find a toenail in your soup, your suspicions could be taken seriously. If you accuse the water-boy, who you've also been rude to, with supplying the nail clipper eh not so much. If you insist that the chef set the whole thing up, it will make your fellow dining companions try to secretly catch each other's eyes. If you accuse the management of the entire chain of malfeasance, you will make your parents cry. The saying, "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you," should be more specific in the suspect numbers.


So what do you do if you're me - drowning in a forest of fallen trees of actual evidence?  We were confused about the why, but really stymied as to the how and the who.


Nah. No way. Couldn't be. And, yet it couldn't be anything else. Cognitive dissonance can make you feel mad - angry that you have to write long disclaimers on how you are angry mad not mad mad. How could a little thing called Tig have the power of 500 dollar an hour lawyers, Elite police squads, and prosecutors and judges?  The suspect numbers were just too much.



KROLL

In late 2013, three years after the trial was over, the who and how became clear. I was reading some unrelated to my case article, when I saw the words Kroll Securities, and remembered the last name of that false witness. I googled Kroll Securities, and soon enough came upon a Wikipedia For a powerful billionaire named Jules Kroll. Indeed Nick Kroll was his youngest son. Soon enough I came upon an article about an Ian Puddick. Puddick had put up a website devoted to how he was screwed by Kroll and the cops. It eerily mimicked my tale.


Basically, in England there was a guy named Ian Puddick. Ian's wife had an affair with her boss. Ian found out and did some understandable things a spurned husband would tend to do - He called the wife of her boss. He called the boss. He got angrier and called clients of the boss and told them secretes of what his wife told him about the boss. And, finally he did what I did, started a ... gasp... blog. The blog was basically about how said boss, a Mr. Tim Haynes, is a very bad man.

The unusual thing in this scenario of the aggrieved spouse causing a ruckus is who the boss had on retainer to fight said ruckus - Kroll Inc./ Kroll Ltd./ Kroll Risk/ Kroll securities.

Kroll sounds like what would happen if Tom Clancy and Kafka had a baby - a Dr. Evil by way of James Bond, in a business suit. Kroll has got their dirty little fingers in all the spooky arts imaginable - litigation support/ reputational management, Private investigations/ Forensics/ Defense Contracting/ CIA contractors and on and on.

For our purposes we'll stick with reputation management and litigation support. In short, if someone has a reputation problem, or as the kids today call it," brand issues," Kroll will assess the risk to the reputation and take measures to contain the risk and then restore the reputation. Please look it up.

See! They don't even hide it. What they do hide is how they go about it.

Then more articles -about how Jules Kroll scouts for lawyers, prosecutors, and even judges and offers lucrative jobs in the private sector. Oh looky here, Bill Bratton, the chief of police at the time of my prosecution.

 


Bill also happens to moonlight as a Chairman for Kroll's office in Los Angeles.
https://www.crunchbase.com/person/bill-bratton#/entity


Nick Kroll has claimed repeatedly that he considers Tig Notaro to be his best friend. A friend he would do anything for...
http://www.washingtonian.com/blogs/afterhours/comedy/comedian-nick-kroll-on-his-washington-homecoming.php

First and foremost, Tig Notaro asked me to do it, and she’s one of my oldest and best friends in comedy. 

“I love D.C. and always relish the chance to come back and perform, but if Tig had asked me to go to Greenland, I would have gone.”

Ka-ching. Jesus Christ. No fucking way. Oh looky here the former head of the TMU was a Robert Martin, who was represented by Lavely and Singer when a David Waddle wrote a book seeking to expose the alliance between crooked cops trying to get in good with lawyers etc so they could get high paying jobs in private and celebrity security. And how about that- another former head of the TMU, Gregory Boles, now works for Kroll in Africa. Lucrative as hell. There was even more links between Kroll and law enforcement of all kinds, in cities all over the world. They even owned forensic labs that did the drug testing for law enforcement and they did security for courthouses throughout the land.

This article in Business Weekhttp://www.businessweek.com/stories/1998-11-08/jules-kroll-danger-is-his-business  gives a compelling overview as to how it may pay to please them. 


In the late 1970s, he(Jules Kroll) helped create a new market for corporate investigations. A onetime Manhattan assistant district attorney, he realized that corporations would pay big for an investigative firm that could dig out employee fraud and other malfeasance.He recruited a savvy coterie of former CIA spies, FBI agents, and prosecutors by paying them as much as twice their public-sector salaries.



To sum it up, Ian Puddick is someone I can cry in my beer with. I had a little blog. He had a little blog. He was annoying his wife's boss and I was annoying Nick Kroll's friend. In both cases they used the services of particular lawyers, who contacted special branches of the police. The Metro police in Puddick's case, the TMU in mine. In both cases, they criminalized what amounted to a  civil dispute. The missing link is that in my case, the brand I was annoying was someone who was MCing shows for five dollars a ticket, at the time. In Puddick's case he was pestering a director of a multi million dollar insurance agency. The thing we have in common is Kroll.



Clara Folz Courthouse


All court houses, especially big city ones, have a lot of history. Rosenberg's court had Roman Polanski in the vicinity, before Polanski decided to pop out and off the Switzerland. Clara Folz's history beat all that. The marble benches, where I spent countless butt breaking hours, were haunted by the phantom asses of the past i.e Manson and his disciples, O.J and his family, Robert Blake and his family (or maybe nobody came for him. I don't know) I am not putting myself in such vaunted company, but I was treated a lot more seriously that the average non violent misdemeanor defendant. Again with Carl Sagan, "extraordinary claims demand extraordinary evidence."

Arraignment - September 25th 2008

Public defender, Anan Desai, was a lot like that misguided attorney from Burbank. Desai was a young princely sort. I liked him right way and he seemed to like me right away back. He treated me like a good friend. He told me it was curious to bring charges on so crappy a case. He wondered aloud what is going on with female comedians in Los Angeles, and passionately said, twice, that he'd be happy to take it to trial. He told me that their plea offer was ten days in jail. Anan commented on how bizarrely harsh that was, considering what he was looking at.

He didn't even have the restraining order in his possession. No one had given him it. It wasn't in the file. It would turn out that the prosecutor, Phyllis Henderson, who agreed to add a charge, did not have it in her possession when she charged me. Anan did have one page - a police report dated April 30th 2008.A week before Gregogozek and Hoffman came to my house. It was never filed in Rosenberg's court.

He read from it. It made me ecstatic. Notaro had seriously changed her story again. So now she had changed her story from April 30th to May 5th, and then again on May 28th. Now we had the push inside, not outside and all the words I used on her and her agent were changed to now say that they'd been used on her and Stef Willen.There were many more that would have convinced anyone that Notaro (and Willen, and any witness she brought to the hearing)were lying their asses off.

Oh Tig. Tig. Tig! You are way past perjury, now you are deep into even more felonious misconduct. You are way past a fraud civil restraining order. Now, you've engaged the criminal justice system to fight your vendetta. Forget about fines, honey, you're going to the big house.

Judge Dennis Landin

I stood in front of Judge Dennis Landin. I heard Landin make a garbled comment about granting something. I had no idea what he possibly could have been granting. Did Anan know? I didn't know but figured he was talking about the civil order.  I'd only learn much later on that he'd granted the prosecution a Criminal Domestic Violence criminal restraining order.

Did Landin say, when presented with the prosecutors request,"Domestic Violence? It is not in dispute that there is no relationship between these two. Are Ms. Notaro and Ms Spitzberg married, shacking up, or even related? And even if they were, there's this quaint little thing called due process, where we are required to give notice to Ms Spitzberg. Then, we must have hearing  before I could sign this serious piece of paper. Mr. Prosecutor, you gotta lotta splaining to do.


That didn't happen.

Instead Judge Dennis Landin discarded  all that due process nonsense, and signed the order.




(only much later would I even know such a order existed and only much later would prosecutors try to use it at trial.) Then Landin let me go "On my recognizance," and it was over.




October 16th 2008


Of course I plead not guilty , so I had to go back for more. Anan was missing from the first post arraignment hearing. In his place was the anti Anan - A ferocious ferret named, Nicky Meehan. Meehan was strictly concerned with pleasing the powers that be - scraping the dry peas off the court's plate. Meehan was presenting me with a new plea. The plea was called "informal diversion." She spoke of a few hours of anger management and how if I stayed out of trouble for a year, it would be off my record. How did it go from ten days in jail to some rageaholic get togethers?

 I asked her this. She said, "Cause it's a bullshit case." But, I didn't mismanage my rage in any way that would get me into any trouble, and I told her this.She like every cynical lawyer in every cynical lawyer movie said,"look around. Most of these people are innocent too. It doesn't matter.You got the lowest possible plea in the criminal justice system."

I looked around. Surely most of the many present, must have done something. You don't get charged with crimes, willy nilly, right?  I didn't get the irony back then. Was it because I was white, and though financially compromised, at the time, still living in the not so distant past, where I had, "Call my lawyer," cache.


When you are, "in it," you are not thinking about class systems and socioeconomic studies, you're only thinking that this has got to end soon. She's now told three wildly inconsistent stories. They'll drop it. Worse comes to worse we'll go to trial - a day or two tops. I'll be vindicated. Then back to normal life - normal life suddenly seemed so grand compared to this.

" So no, absent dismissal, I want to take it to trial," I told her.

Nicky Meehan stormed off in a literal huff.

It didn't look like anyone was eager to help me. But I tried again, I wrote Detective Hoffman these emails

Insert emails  


Before those emails, I'd called him and begged him to talk to at the very least- Sam Consuegra in Silverlake, a short  distance away from the TMU's downtown L.A office. He actually chuckled and said, "I'm not going to talk to witnesses for THIS."


Since no one was going to help us, we did what we should have done at the beginning( Not that that would have probably made a difference in Rosenberg's court.) We researched the protocols related to witness statements. Some other lawyer we spoke to sent us proper affidavit forms. Of course there was the same problems as before, who were these people and how hard would it be to find them?

Light-bulb over head - the bouncer at the Dime. Bouncers usually stayed in the same spot. Please please please still have the same job.

Mr. Handsome was still guarding the Dime's door. Approaching strangers and asking them to get involved in your mess is a recipe for rejection. When we showed him what Notaro had sworn to on that night, he got angry. He told us he's a parole officer by day, so for him to miss all that was extra insulting. He wrote out that affidavit(see above.)

 Another light bulb moment: Baristas. Coffee shops have baristas. Please please please let there not be a high employee turnover( cause it's been nine months.)

The Tsunami coffee house was about to close. One guy remained behind the counter. I asked him if he remembered me. He didn't. I asked him if by any chance he was there on August 29th 2007-a Wednesday. An open mic. Turned out, he wasn't a barista but the manager. He told me and my sister that as manager, he hadn't missed a comedy/poetry night for the last six years. Surely, he would remember his quiet cafe transforming into a gunfight at the OK Corral.

He remembered forcefully that nothing dramatic had happened at any of Tsunami's open mics. Would you write an affidavit saying that, I asked. His reaction was more expected that Julius's. He didn't really want to get involved. As the kids say, "He didn't want no drama." But, he wrote what he witnessed(or more aptly didn't witness) up(see above.)

November 6th 2008 - second hearing.

According to this, now the prosecution did have the order in its possession.  In other words, they filed a charge based on the violation of the terms of the order, without even knowing what those terms were



The next public defender was the pornly named Franica Tawn - another youngin. They were all pretty young. She did a few things you'd expect: prepared an extensive discovery motion to get CCTV and anything relevant to my case. After much urging on my part, she also agreed to get me the public defender's investigator to talk to the witnesses I'd told her about. (And that's how we found out what talent agent, Heidi Feigin, and Tobin shea( Manager of El Cid) would say.

Franica like them all, except for Nicki Meehan, seemed to start out with good intentions, until inexplicably the good intentions screeched to a stop. The problem with her was that even though she did the right things, she kept us in the dark. For instance she never told me that she'd written any discover motion, much less set it for a hearing.  I only knew it even existed until after trial, and though she'd set it for hearing, that hearing had come and gone, and appears to have been canceled by someone. She never saw fit to tell me any of it and amazingly none of it was listed on the court minutes so I had no way of knowing. As for the investigator reports: they turned out to be amazingly great, but she wouldn't show me them, or even tell me what they said.


You see, Franica let few things slip from her lips, but one day she did wonder out loud why Allison Sievers of Lavely and Singer was calling the court all the time(Once the case is in the criminal court a civil attorney should have nothing more to do with it.) Franica also wondered out loud how Tig had managed to get out of  the November 6th subpoena( A subpoena is when the court compels the plaintiff to testify about their accusations.)

Later we'd learn that this was all it took:








The date on top is 12-11 08 and this was handed over in discovery wich is interesting since when Jennifer Waxler got on boards, she did not hand over the letters she was getting from Lavely and Singer, nor was she documenting their phone calls.


Then the second page is the only statement of any kind requested by the prosecutors as to this charge and as you can see it is not under oath etc. They would let her out of this subpoena on Lavely and Singer's lawyers requests. And, my public defender did nothing to remedy that.


In March of 09, after five months of Franica keeping me in the dark, I felt I had no choice but to be my own lawyer. Yeah yeah yeah, a fool for a client, but I didn't stay a fool for long. When I got my hands on the discovery that Franica never told me about, I saw something else that Franica never told me about - four special circumstance/exigent circumstance search warrants. You can thank terrorists and George W. Bush for these special warrants. After 9/11, they became much easier to get. Usually, they have to give you the heads up before they search your property. But, exigent means the crime is so serious, so pressing, the perp so dangerous, that it's in society's best interest that such searches be conducted in secret.

 Such warrants are generally used on terrorists or pedophiles --  In case the would be bomber has time to dismantle or detonate his bomb, or the kiddie lover deletes his pervy pictures and browser history. We also saw that Allison Sievers had sent two e-mails to Gregozek and the prosecution, wanting additional charges added, for four Facebook comments Notaro claimed she'd found on her facebook page.








And based only on Notaro's hunch that I'd written this

 the prosecution had managed to get a judge to agree to add two more charges. That made no sense. The fact that that made no sense and that I'd expressed that that made no sense would come back in a spectacular way later on.


A little more about Lavely and Singer: https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2017/02/marty-singer-hollywood-lawyer


Paying lawyers 

The first paid lawyer would be Howard L. Williams. Howard( a very Howard looking person,) seemed excited by the case. He was happy to take it to trial if that's what it took. When I got to be my own lawyer I was finally allowed to see the witness statements that Franica had kept from me.  He loved my witnesses and the statements they'd made to the investigator for the public defender. He agreed that the addition of two charges made no sense considering there was absolutely no evidence that I'd written anything on Notaro's Facebook wall.

Howard also thought that there was something was very wrong with Gregozek. Not only that but he thought there was something very wrong about the timing - the 18 day gap between the lawsuit and Notaro's call to Gregozek. He said if he could get Notaro or Gregozek on the stand, they were toast. He couldn't wait to get started on the slam dunk civil case that would surely follow.As for the Facebook charges, he saw no link to me.He also saw no legal basis for the search warrants. If someone else did it, it was legal. Either way there was this thing called a collateral attack on the order, and once he brought that all the charges would blow up in smoke, as it was not a valid order and you can't criminally charge someone on an order obtained using fraud and perjury.

And as for the posts, only a toddler getting caught red-handed with a cookie would cry about it. Boo hoo I stabbed you and you bled on my shoe. Shame on you! He told me what I already knew -- once you file charges you better be sure they are good charges cause if they lose, hello malicious prosecution! He told me he intended to quote unquote paper the prosecution. He promised to file a motion to traverse the warrants, a motion to attack the validity of the restraining order, a few motions to dismiss, and intriguingly -- a Pichess  motion.

 Once upon a time there was a man called Pichess. Mr. Pichess had a smart idea. He thought to himself, "Hey if a cop is setting me up I should be able to see if the guy has a history of being crooked. Is the pig dirty, or basically clean."


One of the luxuries of having a private attorney is being able to pace nervously in the comfort of your own home. Howard had filed a motion to traverse those exigent search warrants I told you about. It was four months late but that's another story. During a court date ,where it turned out there would be no hearing because the prosecutors said they weren't ready, Howard mentioned how he planned to file a Pichess and that he intended to get Gregozek on the stand. The newest prosecutor, Jennifer Waxler( who had actually bought a second chair prosecutor, Felise Kalpakian, to help her. (Highly unusual for a non violent misdemeanor.) told the judge, Mary Lou Villar, that Gregozek would not be available since  he was on vacation.

What is even more unusual than having a second chair is that Waxler somehow knows without texting, calling, sleeping with(as far as I know,) that Gregozek is going to be on vacation on the day that Howard wants to get him on the stand. And, when the judge tried to set a date for when Gregozek got back from cough cough Cancun, Waxler made a brazen(and insanely lawless) move: She wanted to have me remanded and put in jail till trial(according to Howard the till jail part. That wasn't borne out in the transcripts. Just that they wanted me remanded.)


Lauren D.


What did they tell the judge to justify me being hauled off to jail then and there(though I was at home so I don't know how that would go down exactly...)

Blame Lauren D. Who is Lauren D? I have no idea but I do know that Lauren Joy Spitzberg is my sister. She has no order against her so she could have written anything she wanted, on the internet. Apparently this Lauren D. wrote her horrifying missive on a computer message board, in 2005. Notaro admitted herself that we did not became aware of each other till late 2007.

What did the horrifying missive say according to Jennifer Waxler, " I went to the show with my sister etc...." The ellipsis written by Lauren D too?




Villar should have said,

" Ellipsis's? Ellipsis's? Are you kidding me? I saw your show and  ...  what?What does it after the show bit? Does it possibly say I want my money back? Does it say I saw your show in 2005 and now I'm going to kill you? In any case, is her sister married to someone whose last name begins with a D? And even if she kept her maiden name, she has no orders against her so what is your point? Something's real weird here,Waxler. Her lawyer says he wants to put the detective on the stand and you know without contacting him he's on vacation and now suddenly you want the girl in jail for no holy reason. You've got some splaining to do? Hey! Why is Miss Kalpakian here? She has some splaining to do too.


That didn't happen.



Howard should have argued all that. He should have known that they couldn't have tracked that to me or even my home cause I did not know Notaro existed in 2005. He should have argued that I never went on a AOL computer uh chat room in my life and this all made no sense But, Howard wasn't even there. He'd send his partner Stanley Leiber's son in his place without telling me. And, Stanley's son was struck dumb.
The judge, thank goodness, demanded more for an arrest. She forgot all about Gregozek coming in and focused on linking Lauren D to me, or my sister, or someone else? She set a date, August 8th 2009 for a hearing to link a post from  Lauren D to me or my sister or someone else from 2005?????? Whaaaaaaaaaa. Judge Villar(who also happened to be the Mayor's sister) also ominously spoke of how the charges were, "serious and significant." Once again, Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Remember while all this was going on, I was at home thinking that Howard was kicking so much legal ass. I didn't know until late that night that his partner's son, according to him( though it wasn't true) had narrowly saved me from a long stint in jail.

Me and my sister both read Howard's email. If I can use my hitchhiker analogy one last tortured time - we probably looked like, two chicks sitting in the back, who just spotted rope and duct tape under the seats. It took a few whimpering minutes to realize that neither of us is Lauren D, with all that implied. We also realized that Howard didn't know almost anything about the case, possibly not even our names.


Anyone who keeps yammering about that old saw, "Fool for a client," never had so many fools for a lawyer. Or, worse than fools?

( If I knew what was going to happen next, I would risk getting another idiot as I'd have to in a few long months.)

I had already written an appeal and a lawsuit, what's a little Pichess motion. I wrote it up and planned to file it before the Lauren D hearing. As I've said before if you have a lawyer and want to be your own lawyer you have to file a substitution of attorney  - In the criminal courts - a motion to withdraw.

The  Lauren D hearing comes and goes and when I call the court to find out what happened to it, the clerk tells me to come on August 12th for a "scheduling conference on your motions." The Lauren D hearing has been cancelled but I need to come in anyway to set my motions "on calendar."





















August 12th 2009 - Judge Samantha Jessner

 Present against me at that date there are now not one, not two, but three prosecutors. The gruesome twosome, Waxler and Kalpakian, are now joined by a small beady eyed man named Martin Boags. I give the clerk my Pichess motion to file. On the way back, Waxler asks me what I just filed. "A Pichess," I say slyly.

Piches Bitches!I think, but don't say.

Waxler gave me the stink eye and scurried up to confer with Boags and Kalpakian. She is no doubt sick of me and my motions( I'd filed a few more and what happened to them is as lawless as it gets,) Good. I want her to be sick of me and my motions. I want them to stop this bullshit.


 ( They would but not in the way I expected. OMG!)


My case number is called. Kalpakian and Waxler got in front of their lectern. I got in front of mine. Before the judge could say anything, Waxler said, "may we approach your honor."

ut any law or probable cause to have regular 





 Your honor nodded and we all starting heading towards her. But, before I can make any headway, a bailiff puts his hand on my shoulder and nods,"no."





 I, whose middle name should be at this juncture, Alisa "I want to put it on the record," Spitzberg, say, "I'd like to put it on the record that this is an exparte."





For the lucky who never had to deal with courts, an exparte is Latin for judges are forbidden to talk in private to one party. Basically, one party can't talk to the judge without the other party being present. It's not only rude, it's illegal.




A public defender sitting in court caught my eye, and told me to "get up there, they can't do that." But a prosecutor I'd never seen before approached him, and told him to, "shut the hell up." I turned around to see a good twenty or so pubic defenders with their jaws dropped low.

So, I had to just stand there and watch Waxler and Kalpakian's backs - Waxler stood like a stone, but Kalkpakian's backfat wiggled wildly as she frantically whispered to Jessner.

When they decided the ex parte was over, they returned to their lecterns. I can't go into to every detail of the hearing but I'll give you  the low-lights. I don't know what Jessner was told ex parte but on the record, Waxler and Kalpakian were making up all kinds of easily provable lies ( Ie. I was my own lawyer from the start and the whole time) and less easily proven lies, that I am a danger to myself and others and need to have a mental evaluation. I respond that I go to a Psychiatrist in Beverly Hills and she essentially knows how sane I am.

I'm not the type to announce where my shrink( who I was actually going to cause of all this) hangs her shingle. But, when you are treated like a marginalized cockroach for so long ( over a year now,) you want to make it clear that you have some white privilege left too. We're in L.A after-all.

Jessner having no legal or rational justification grants these prosecutors what they request. I am ordered to Division 95 on September 3rd 2009. Jessner describes it as a "wellness session."





What's 95?


It sounds like Jessner is sending me off to a judicial spa- someplace where they'll assist me on my case, and give me a massage while they are at it. Sounds pretty good. But just to show I still have some agency over my fate, I said, "I happen to be busy that day, I'll need another date. She gave me another date.


Back home, I googled competency to stand trial. It seemed that Jessner was really sugarcoating something much more sinister. The prosecutors never ask for mental evaluations. It's something the defense does when they think it's a much better outcome than jail. Secondly, to be declared incompetent you have to be a cliche of crazy.

Example: Joe Wayne Shmo has killed his stepmother. He has chopped off her head, and taken it to school in a knapsack. The prosecution wants capital murder. The defense knows that Joe Wayne Shmo is guilty- cause he streamed the murder on Facebook live. Either Joe Wayne Shmo is feigning insanity AKA malingering, or he is really nuts and according to our system, you can't punish him for being genuinely batshit.

In short, you will never see a prosecutor, who is up to any good, say,"Sure Dahmer ate seven people but he's clearly off. We'd like to postpone the trial so he has a chance to get himself together. IT JUST DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.


Now, for the judge to declare it on their own, you have to be the kind of crazy you simply can't disguise: Drooling, twitching, stammering, screaming to Jesus or for the devil. They have to be in such a forsaken state that the judge themselves has to pull the alarm.

I never stood before Jessner till that moment.What could she have seen in a few minutes, that no other judge, lawyer, prosecutor had seen in the eleven months I'd been coming to hearing after hearing after hearing?Now, the good news, I thought they'd finally overplayed their hands. The judge in 95 specializes in these matters. At worst, they'll send me back to the criminal court. At best, they'll have the chance to look closer, and start asking questions.


Department 95

Department 95 was a squat stucco building on the border of Glendale and the Valley. The drill was a little different than a regular court. Put your keys, phone and purse on the little treadmill. After they pass inspection, pick it all up, and walk into the one and only dreary doctor office like waiting room. The judge I stood before was confused.

 Did the judge say where is your lawyer, as the law required, cause you're so crazy you certainly can't represent yourself. Did the Judge tell us that Jessner's got some splaining to do. Well he didn't do the latter but he did do the former! Finally, a judge who follows the law. How quaint.

Back to Division 40


A few days later I schlepped back to Division 40. Jessner and/or Villar weren't there. Instead, Karla Kerlin, former showgirl, former corrupt prosecutor, and now corrupt judge presided(Although I did not know all that about Karla Kerlin back then.)

Karla Kerlin plotting her next mendacious move?

Waxler and Kalpakian had evaporated. Just the beady eyed guy who was there for the August 12th whatever you want to call that was there.

In an 'oh never mind that move,' Kerlin tells me and Boags(At an unrecorded sidebar no less,) that the competency thing is over on order from Division 52( Jessner's Courtroom.)

















 Luckily Kerlin would also make that clear in open court so I can prove it. At that same unrecorded sidebar, Kerlin asked anxiously, "is there the possibility of a plea." I told there wasn't. She glared at me and told me that any trial in this case would last at most, a day, before setting it tentatively for trial.

There was a hitch, Boags was going on vacation. City workers sure get a lot down time. Kerlin advised me though my speedy trial rights allowed me to have trial any day now, it was best I gave Boags some time to get up to speed, "Cause Marty is a good guy."

Later, I found out if indeed Mary was a vacation, it was a working vacation, cause Marty was requesting documents related to my case.

He would be the first and only prosecutor in two weeks shy of a year, who would look at any of the evidence. What will he find? He will find out that the allegations that the police were called on August 12th 2008, was a lie. There would be no record of a 911 call or any police participation.

He will find that the arrest that is mentioned on the minutes, at the Improv, never took place. He will find out that Gregozek's incident number was a fake. He will, I assume, find out many more exculpatory things.

What will he do with all these discoveries? Will he do what he must do - dismiss the charges, call his vacationing compatriot and say, "are you completely insane, Gregozek, what in god's name have you been up to here? Why have you wasted all this time, manpower, and tax payer money? You've got some splaining to do, young man.

That didn't happen at all. Instead Boags would write a motion to reinstate the competency nightmare and send it the night before he'd somehow managed to set it for a hearing(once again denying me due process- the right to proper notice. All rules of the court were completely discarded as Marty would file the motion a day before the court set him a hearing. Even layman probably understand how against the rules that is.


It wasn't really that shocking that he would go there. A quick google search would reveal Marty's unsavory past. Some good guy, Kerlin.

Once upon a time, little Martin went to Beverly Hills High. There he racked up a lot of unpaid parking tickets, and so did his rich buddies. Luckily for him, and them, Martin Boag's father was judge Charles Boags. Marty brought all those tickets to his dad, and Judge Boags made everything right.

 Unbelievably, to me, the judge was caught, prosecuted and unbenched - in spite of the efforts of Johnnie Cochran. Yes, that Johnny Cochran. Little Martin would have to face the fact that his  father was disgraced by his own son's hand, but he would still be free to go to law school and end up as my prosecutor ( and the prosecutor brought in to finally finish me off.)

Later when it got to the civil remedy part, I would have a sit down with Christopher Darden. Yes that Christopher Darnen. It's a small world, six degrees of separation, and all that jazz. But, back to the present.


The next day in court what does Kerlin do? Does she say, " For Christ's sake counseler we resolved that nasty little disaster last time. What would make you think that she's gone crazy again? And, you know very well that it's against every rule to file a motion the night before the hearing. Marty, you are not acting like a good guy, you got some splaining to do.

Do I really have to tell you that that didn't happen?


Instead, Kerlin ordered me upstairs, to the courtroom of Judge Robert Vanderet, so he could presumably hear the baseless and untimely motion. Why couldn't Kerlin rule on the motion herself? It had to be that the only reason to send me up to an empty courtroom was so that the public defenders milling around in her court, didn't get another show.


My first impulse was to do as I'm told. But in the elevator, I had a holy shit nothing is making sense moment, and I pressed the button to go back down.

 I forgot to tell you about Robin Ginsburg. Robin Ginsburg was the supervisor of the Public defender's in that courthouse. She approached me sometime after August 12th, to tell me she saw Jessner's ex parte, and she told me she was not only willing to supply an affidavit but she'd try to score me affidavits from all present. So I went back down to ask her to help me.

She told me she'd get a high level public defender, Alissa Malzman, to accompany me to Vanderet's court room.

In Vanderet's court, Alissa put up a bit of a fight. She cited a law that stated that if a defense attorney claims that his client is competent then this can't happen or at least must be considered before any evaluation could take place. Alissa then stated that she'd seen me many times in court, and she found me competent.

Who knew anyone was actually watching me?

Sorry about another splaining but it's really the best way to explain.

Did Vanderet say, "Ms. Malzman is absolutely correct. It's a defense attorney who calls the shots on whether she's fit for trial, they have to work with her after all. So unless I see Spitzberg under the table biting her fists, you've got some splaining to do, Charles Boag's prodigal son."


That so didn't happen.









Later we'd find this post it



which went a long way in explaining why Vanderet was saying how his hands were tied after all of Malzman's arguments. That is what Vanderet would say when it came to his ordering me to 95, " My hands are tied."

So based on no law, but on Kerlin's order, he ordered me back to Division 95 on October 14th 2009. I pretended again that I have more pressing matters to attend to on that date. This time it doesn't work. Vanderet made it clear it has to be that exact date, that exact time and he even spoke of an exact judge, though there was a few judges in that court. Or as he puts it, "That's Maria Stratton's bellyache." Cue Omen music.


Alissa says she'll be there to accompany me, but later she told me outside that she won't be there since they have public defenders in that court. I asked her to please do anything to give the heads up to whatever public defenders that were in that court. She promised me she would, and it turned out she did, (thought I doubted her for a long time for good reason.)


Memo



Before I left, I ran into Robin Ginsburg, who told me to call her that night. Of course I did. On the phone, Robin was very friendly. Very concerned. She told me that the prosecution was "dicking me around." She thought they were doing this to get around speedy rights law. In other words, a stalling tactic. I told her I thought it was more malignant than that. She told me to just be myself and no doctor could find me incompetent BUT if anything seemed fishy in that court, just leave and call her.


Division 95 -October 14th 2009


Remember, at this point I don't know anything about secret post it notes with nefarious instructions or anything about the laws governing competency to stand trial. All I can guess is that a real doctor and a real judge, specifically trained to spot craziness, is going to talk to me. The only thing that is delusional about me, at this point, is that I keep believing that there are real doctors and real judges.

I enter the court's waiting room again. A heavy set African American woman is imploring her keeper(A guard) if she can get a soda from the vending machine. He tells her he'll take her to the water fountain. " I don't want water. I want a Coke." He refuses and not because he's worried about her calorie intake, cause he won't get her a Diet Coke either. My mother can't stand it anymore, "Get her a soda," she tells the guard, "I'll pay for it." We are all getting worked up.

 When I get home I plan to write a blog post about the plight of this thirsty woman. The guard explains that it's not the money it's that, "Caffeine riles these people up." Well, she's not asking for a Red Bull, but I guess he knows something that we don't.

So, it's back to feeling ineffectually sad for her in silence. A woman(hard sixty, polyester green pantsuit) walked towards us. She doesn't want change for refreshments, she's here to introduce herself as Bernadette Everman - my lawyer for today's' shenanigans. I asked her if she got Alissa's memo and she seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. She tells me she just got the case a few minutes ago.

All she knows is that I'm supposed to talk to a Dr. Velarde and after that, a judge will see me. She directs me to a back room. I ask her, "Don't you have to come with me?" "No," she says, "Not necessary. Just go talk to the doctor. You'll be fine."


Dr. Velarde

Dr. Velarde's office was a cheap desk and chair. I'd later learn that at that time,Velarde. was not certified to conduct competency evaluations. He was a jail doctor when he was expected to "evaluate," me.  The exam resembled a pop quiz of the judicial system for dummies.

Him: " What is a judge."

Me: He is a former lawyer who is elected to make ruling on cases.

Him: What does the judge do?

Me: He makes rulings

Him: What does the prosecutor do?

Me: He brings charges if someone commits a crime. He has to prove his case without a reasonable doubt.

And so forth and so on. If I may so myself, I was scoring an A+ .

Then he asked me one more question, "Do you understand your charges."

Me: That's the problem. No, I don't. Two of them don't make any sense. They are saying I posted something to Facebook, but they have no evidence that it was me or anyone from what I can tell.

Note: At trial, Judge Moore, would take it upon himself to acquit those two charges mid trial. In essence saying, they make no sense. So there!

Velarde closed his little notepad and said, "I'm concerned. This has been going on for too long. Let me just talk to the judge, and then we will continue this."


He sent me out to wait and disappeared behind the courtroom's heavy doors.

Bernadette Everman came out after about fifteen minutes. We smiled at her. She was supposedly on our side, so why not smile? Something about my dumb innocent face must have annoyed her because the next thing she did was vomit out what would turn out to be my saving grace - " The doctor declared you incompetent."

"You mean competent?"

" No. Incompetent."

" Did you say in before competent."

"Yes I did. The opposite of competent,"




forcible medication? sure why not!

I remembered my research and my motion - I get to have two doctors for my side.

She said, "Sure. Let me just check in with the judge. You stay there."

Everman got the door open with a grunt, and was gone. We sat there for a few moments. Then my sister said, "Let's get out of here right now." It took me a few seconds to remember Robin Ginsburg's words of warning. A whole bottle of perfume poured over a year old flounder, left out in the desert, for ages, could not mask the smell of such rancid seafood. Things were indeed fishy.

With the soundtrack of Midnight Express playing in my mind, the three of us began walking as calmly as possible towards the exit. It took real restraint to not break out into a trot. The two guards at the exit smiled sweetly and said, "Have a great day, ladies." I will always love those two guards.

When I got home I called Ginsburg. She nearly screeched... WHAT??????!!!! But then she seemed the think for a moment and she said, "I was kidding about leaving. You have to go back."

 Dun de Dun Dun Dun. Wow.

Then I called Alissa Malzman. She screeched even worse, but told me if Robin said so, I had to go back.

Two days later an urgent message from Everman - a letter came in the mail, telling me to come back, offering me candies in the shape of two more doctors. The child catcher of 95 was wasting her fucking time. I planned to stay under the bed forever.

Had I really started to lose it? Could it be that Everman did plan to secure two doctors. Could it be Robin Ginsburg was just a big old jokester? Had my family been infected with my madness? Could we be experiencing  the three person version of folie a deux?

It turns out that none of us were nuts. Later I would learn that Stratton and Boags had it all set up beforehand. The minute I would have walked into that courtroom,( and I would have if Everman had kept her mouth shut, and if Ginsburg hadn't told me to leave...) a few baillifs would have been at the ready, to shackle and cuff me. Then they would hustle me into a prison van or some mental hospital van, and driven me to Patton State Hospital in San Bernadino, California. I'd be stuck with a needle full of Thorazine, until I was forty pounds fatter, fifty IQ points lower, and a million times sadder.


This can't really happen in America. If it did, everyone would know about it. C'mon really now.







What she had prepared on October 14 2009

Commitment papers 

Note how the date has been altered on the bottom. It took me forever to get this document and now there is no way to tell the date it was drawn up



but I had to wait till much after December 1st 2009 to see what she'd prepared exactly. I'd only be allowed to see this file, months after the trial was over.



Good old Cliches

When you write out a tale like this, you realize how helpful and true cliches are. In the days that followed, everything seemed eerily silent. The eerie silence was only punctured by calls to lawyers. One lawyer downright told me he wouldn't make waves with judges. One told me this is way too complicated for his skill set. I can't remember what the third said but, basically all the lawyers thought I sounded awfully competent to stand trial, and all told me not to worry about them coming to the house to arrest me. Just drive cautiously, they cautioned. Because you see on a non violent misdemeanor bench warrant, they don't come to pick you up. That just doesn't happen.And, they seemed to be right. Wouldn't they have come calling right away?

 Day after day passed with no knocks, except for the pizza delivery guy, who was peered at through the peephole, for far too long. No one seemed to be coming. We waited for the next apt cliche - the other shoe ready to drop. During that time I drove like an eighty year old woman, and only when I had to go to lawyers and back.

On the eighteenth day, I was googling ' attorneys malicious prosecution,' when I came across the name, Peter Knecht.

Peter Knecht

Peter Knecht sold himself online as the king of fighting malicious prosecutions. The building he worked out of was Jetsonesque high rise on the Sunset Strip. His office however resembled a dusty Versailles- lots of uncomfortable but impressive looking furniture, sprinkled with gray dandruff, hence the dusty part.

He didn't look like a brilliant legal eagle. He was 5'3, seventyish, and wore a wig that screamed from the tops of its lungs, "I am a wig." Still, Knecht seemed to absorb the gist of the situation almost immediately. He'd seen it all before.

He told us that back in the day the cops had the power to stick a feisty defendant in the asylum without the need for subterfuge. And, then he basically reiterated a lot of what Howard said. Knecht told us how he knew the most unimpeachable forensic psychiatrist experts, and could call on them at a moment's notice.

 I wondered aloud why he'd even validate that fraud by bringing in doctors, but he assured that was the best strategy. I told him about my bench warrant worry. He told me not to worry. There was no law on the books that one can't leave a fraud proceeding. But, again he counseled me to drive carefully. He spoke of the civil rights suits he could foresee, when all this was resolved.

It was like a pleasant dream at the tail end of an unending nightmare. Then, the dream died. His fee would be thirty thousand dollars. When he saw my dream dashed eyes, he said that I might still be in luck. There was a lawyer who was in the same office suite who would do it for a lot less. Knecht described him as a go getter, a hungry up and comer- a real tiger, who reminded himself of himself when he was young. He had this guy's card at the ready, and handed it to us.

Before I left, I picked up a brochure off his desk. "That's my wife," he said, pointing to a miniature lady in rolled up white shorts. The picture consisted of him, his wig, and his wife frolicking on a beach. The text stated that Sandra Knecht was a loveologist. I guess the brochure was to stir up some loveologist business for his wife. Why not spice up your sex life while being maliciously prosecuted?

It was all so strange, and yet by this time, the strangeness was familiar.

When logic and proportion
Has fallen sloppy dead
And the white knight is talking backwards and
the red Queen's off her head,
Remember what the dormouse said,
Feed your head. Feed your head.

I like keep your head, keep your head better, but those are the lyrics.

If it seems I'm being assaulted by a non stop stream of grotesquery, I mostly was and it would get even worse. All I can say is get yourself falsely accused and see what characters come your way. The Los Angeles legal system is not littered with pretty souls.


James E. Silverstien

If entering Knecht's office was like being transported to the 17th century, entering James's office was like walking straight into the 1980's. Framed pictures of Reagan and his ruddy cheeks, stared from three different walls. James, a thirty four year old redhead, former frat boy, and of course - a Reagan Republican. James was a salesman of the Saul Goodman variety. He heartily agreed with Knecht's assessment of himself and added some more superlatives - he was a go getter, a self starter, a tiger, and a badass who took no prisoners. He only had to hear the barest bones of the situation to know what this was all about and he was sickened. It made him sick.

He handed me his Bic, as he told me his Mont Blanc was out of commission for the moment. It's ten thousand, a lot for a misdemeanor, but remember this is real complicated, and I'm the man to pursue these bastards in civil court after I kick their asses. The sooner you retain me, the sooner I can get this leash off, and the sooner we can win big in civil court together. $10,000? .... still I hesitated, he was wearing a  pocket hanky for Pete's sake. He saw my hesitation and spoke of how if things got even more out of hand with, "these bastards," he'd bring in the press. Knecht would hook us up with the best of everything.

As I hem and hawed, he went in for the kill. You do understand that the prosecution is wet for you.  These guys have a massive hard on for you, and you need the best in the business or you are so fucked." Did he just use all that sex imagery?

 Yes he did. But I thought.... maybe that's a good thing if he comes from another era, an era when men swaggered and swung their dicks - PC culture be damned. Maybe that's exactly what I needed - someone who doesn't pull any punches.

Just then the clincher walked in - Peter Knecht said "James, she is obviously innocent and they are trying to get her locked up in Patton... unbelievable..." before launching into strategy. In short, Knecht would be a silent partner, a firm but in his ear presence.

Before I could sign the retainer I noted that Silverstien didn't put an x near Trial. As written his services wouldn't be covered for trial? I asked him about this and he said that no way would this get to a trial after he worked his,"magic" and that if worse came to worse, I'd have to help with photocopying costs at the very most. I wanted to argue you this but something kept me mute as I signed.

We got family and friends to help us get the 10K together in one day. God bless em.

After we paid on November 3rd 2009, James told me to go home and write him up a timeline and whatever else I could think of. He finished with, "I love this case it's rare that I can win so easily."


The Raid- November 4th 2009 - The Other Shoe...


I was up early the next morning to write the timeline for my new lawyer. The phone rang. Either a family member had passed or a telemarketer was starting early(depending whether or not he was stateside or not.) The caller ID said anonymous. I still picked it up.

SPITZBERG OPEN THE DOOR. POLICE. I expected to see Gregozek and Hoffman. I would say hello Newman and Hoffman and Gregozek/Newman would blurt something like, "I'm only doing this cause Marty Singer made me. God save my soul!"

The door opened onto what looked like fifty cops, wearing black bullet proof vests, and pointy Plexiglas helmets ( it turned out that there were actually only eighteen of them.) One cop limply held a battering ram. But, in my new definition of luck, there were no guns pointed, no shouts of get on the ground, not even a show us your hands.

We had no idea how they would justify being there. Out in the hallway, two or more of them cuffed me, uncuffed me, cuffed me, uncuffed and cuffed again. Everyone stood around uncertainly - like shy singles at a single mingle. Any sense of urgency, or purpose was so comically lacking. It was all so over the top.

So awkward. So absurd, that instead of the terror they were clearly trying to inspire, they got from the three of us only a state of 'you've got to be fucking kidding me' insouciance. We even said it out loud a few times. This demeanor wasn't completely due to our amazing badassery, the blasé attitude was helped mightily by the fact that we had just retained those lawyers.

I can't remember most of all that happened next. Luckily some of it was videotaped, but we'd get that much later. I remember asking why they were arresting me. I remember, Jeffrey Dunn( Head of the TMU)saying, "I read you blog." In response, I remember me trying to alert my mother and sister by screaming, "He just said he reads my blog. call the lawyer now."

From the start, I had(awkwardly and sporadically) been chronicling what was going on in a blog. I had said in one blog post that Waxler resembled a shark and that Gregozek resembled a kielbasa. But, a SWAT team for an apt sausage analogy? Please.

Defective John Gregozek
 Vs

Pic of Kielbasa found online
Uncanny, no?







I was ferried past neighbors on lock down and looky loo eyes peering from door slits, down the elevators, past the pool, and into an unmarked police car.

The tape ends there for me. But the tape continues for my sister and my mother. They were made to sit in the hall for approximately two hours, asking repeatedly where's the warrant(though that tape would be edited of the heavily edited tape provided in later discovery,) but it would have my sister realizing that not only was Hoffman there in riot gear but the entire TMU unit and others were there. Eighteen in all, according to later discovery.


My mother was saying stuff like,"Shame on you California. Shame on you Hoffman. You're all a bunch of bandits." Much more interesting in a Hungarian accent. Bizarrely a TMU detective, Martha Defoe, somehow knew that my mother was a Holocaust survivor. Her daughter had become interested since going to the Holocaust Museum in L.A. She suddenly wanted a history lesson . My mother tried to accommodate them and so she told them how in 1944 the Germans came to her door. The parallels weren't lost on Defoe and a detective Smith, and the two of them began to very visibly cry.  Gregozek appeared in his little riot gear- pale and blotchy as always. No sign of that vacation  Waxler spoke of just a mere few weeks before. Indeed he looked very much like a kielbasa.

They all looked so obviously miserable, that Gregozek stepped forward to take responsibility for whatever the hell this spectacle was. "It's my investigation," he said apropos of nothing. They ended up taking things that were in the warrant like computers, phones, cameras, even a library card. They had no right to take anything but the fact that they took emails to lawyer Howard Williams showed that law just didn't matter anymore.
To add insult to injury to injury they took our modem - which cut off the phone, the TV, and the internet. My sister brought a cheap radio that only got country.

They kept everything for five months and found nothing. I don't think they thought they would. They just wanted me to fall to the floor, and scream, "I'll plea I'll plea just leave me alone already." Later on we'd read an article where Jeffrey Dunn would go on about how when the accused feel the cuffs on their wrists they break. Ah that's what all the cuffing and uncuffing was about.



Van Nuys Jail - First Cell


I was put alone in a cell . No one to talk shit about the po po with. The next morning, I was bussed to a holding cell in the twin towers jail where I waited for ten hours. No one ever called my name, cause as a guard would tell me, "they messed up your papers."

On November 6th 2009, I was taken again by bus to court and strip searched after. In the 31 days I'd be strip searched nine time due to mix ups with the papers. Had that not happened it would only have uh happened six times. It's as degrading as it sounds. A few female guards stand behind your naked self. One guard makes sure you haven't smuggled anything in any place that your body has a hiding place for. Hair. Mouth. Under the tongue. Under the breasts. And, of course lower down. Or, in prison guard parlance - "spread your cooch." It's so so awful but I could take it cause I had a lawyer. And, if James had seen a lawsuit then, now he was looking at early retirement.

The next day, I was able to see judge bellyache AKA Maria Stratton. The Oz like Stratton turned out to be a mousy past middle age woman with stringy salt and pepper hair and glasses.

In that court their was no city attorneys, just D.A's and so a D.A Vagnossi, familiar from the Vanderet/ Boags "hearing." surprised everyone but Stratton by requesting that I be denied any bail. Vagnozzi used the pretenses of my alleged incompetence coupled with me leaving after Velarde, as the justification for such a cruel,unusual, and lawless request.

James ticked a few reasons this made no sense; No criminal record. I lived in the area and no evidence of being a flight risk. Most importantly I had just spent a small fortune on a lawyer.

Stratton denied bail with the pretense that I was deemed incompetent by one doctor and had the nerve to leave when in the midst of a Stalin Era fraud. She didn't say the latter but that was the gist of her reasoning when it came to denying  a former own recognizance informal diversion plea offer defendant the kind any bail. The kind of denial reserved for serial killers etc.
Silverstein did that perfunctory oral argument about not being a flight risk, but didn't protest any further. I was led back to the mental health court's holding cell.

I thought about my in poor health 69 year old mother and how her heart couldn't take this. I began crying hysterically. Something about my loud wails must have tugged at Silverstien's heartstrings. Not enough to go and write up a bail motion or request a formal bail hearing, it would turn out, but he requested and got permission to get a doctor then and there.

He got on his cell and told me that a doctor Ronald Markman was coming down very soon to do an evaluation. Markman wasn't a jail doctor or even just a mental health court qualified drone. He was a famed forensic psychiatrist and not just a doctor, but a lawyer too.


So back to the holding cell for a few more hours till Markman showed up. The holding cell was empty due to the rarity of competency to stand trial matters in the system.
Markman gave me a bunch of very particular tests. After he finished he announced to me," Is this a sitcom? You are as competent as me,  what is going here? You are being gaslighted." He seemed  overly impressed that I knew the movie and who starred in it.












Dr. Kaushal Sharma



Stratton isn't pleased. "Get me Sharma," she says with no  mention of what Markman's report. Scorecard so far: Velarde- not qualified Vs. one overqualified for me. Now she wants a qualified one for their team. Why is she so openly working for them? I'm not going home tonight or possibly ever.

It turns out that ten thousand dollars didn't pay for phone calls or jail visits, or even to come in and sit with me for the Sharma, "evaluation." James Silverstien just said, "No way that guy is going to find you incompetent, don't worry about it."

A little man of Indian descent with a perma smirk, got me from my mental health holding cell and took me to a small office in the building.
"I hear you are paranoid about the situation. You believe that everyone is out to get you, right?"

I denied it and I wasn't lying. Things didn't look good but everyone against me? No. I didn't think that everyone was against me, but it was clear some were.

" I understand you deny your charges. Do you know the expression, The lady protests too much."

"Yes. I do."

He looked doubtful.

" Do you know who said it?"

Uh... Stephen King? Shakespeare you MORON

I just said, "Shakespeare."

I have no idea if he was chastened or not. He smirked and left the room.The psych evaluation and the English test were over. He didn't twirl his mustache but he should have. Oh how one can smile and smile and be a villain. Shakespeare again.

Anyway, I think we all know where this is going.




Forcible medication dark ages stuff AGAIN

James never even came to court.And I wasn't allowed into the court room. James was put on speaker phone. He said, "Really???," Like Robin Ginsburg before him. "Your honor we request another doctor."

Back to spreading my cooch at the Lynwood Correctional Facility. After I was gone, my sister told me that James had signed off on speakerphone by saying," I hope your husband gets better soon, your honor."


My sister called James from her cell phone, screaming a one word question, " Tiger? Tiger? Tiger!?"

My god, clever cliches seem to abound, James answered, "You get more flies with honey than vinegar." The tiger wasn't drafting any bail motions and the Tiger decided that my one last doctor would be my shrink from Beverly Hills.


Jail

I could write a book about the 31 days I spent in jail. Not because I have any horror stories, except for the horror of being in jail for no good reason. But, I'm not going to write a book cause I want to get to the end of this. So, I'll just give you a little taste.

After all the cold eyes and mercenariness of the courts, the clink was almost cuddly. My first bunky(cellmate) was a six foot tall twenty four year old carjacker named, Alicia. Except for her schooling me on how to prepare for anal porn(pro tip- Irish Spring works well) and introducing me to bible verses, " I was the whore of Babylon, Bunky, the whore of Babylon -” Revelation 17:5, I pretended that she was just some college roommate, until she stole my Raisinets. I confronted her and realized I wasn't in S.U.N.Y Albany anymore. A guard heard her threatening to "kick my ass," and threatened us both with the hole. Luckily, she pulled food stealing stunts before so I was spared the hole.

Next up was Dawanna - a forty two year old heavily tattooed Crip, with four kids, and one on the way. (It seemed that I was the only one in jail who was child and ink free) Dawanna had told me that she'd given a Blood a colostomy bag. I was so intrigued that I was actually sharing my cell with a Crip, that at first that I didn't consider what her capacity to give a colostomy bag implied. And even after I realized what that implied, I wasn't scared as I should have been. The only thing that scared me was leaving toothpaste in the communal sink. Dawanna HATED that.

I kept myself busy by writing letters and detailing the antics of my endlessly fascinating fellow inmates. There was Jazz( Who looked like a biracial John Gotti in drag) And officer Ramirez AKA the raccoon. She literally had a genetic condition that made it look like she had two black eyes. The meth head, that assured me apropos of nothing that she never burned her baby's toes. Then there was Magic who told me about her twin(Named Tragic. I swear to god.) The older convict who talked about being at the big house with Patricia Krenwinkle(Of Manson fame,) whom she simply called, Krennie. Krennie, according to her, was,"Good people."

There were boyfriends, baby daddies, and pimps with names like, Dolla Bill, Rite Aid, and Grey Goose. I waited and waited. What was taking so long to get Leventhal? It would turn out that Leventhal's lawyer brother had told her he didn't think she was qualified. It turned out it would have been catastrophic if she had come. She would have sealed the deal for the prosecution according to the laws of competency to stand trial. It would have been two more qualified Vs. one qualified and one unqualified. Checkmate.

We learned later that Markman was so upset at what he was seeing that he contacted one of his colleagues to do the second exam - A Dr. Suzzanne Duppee.

Duppee did her job. I got the full competency to stand trial screening.






 Unlike Markman, after she finished, she stayed in court. Duppee sat there and stared down Stratton, no other way to put it. And, Stratton with a mighty exhalation of defeat crossed out what was on the page before. Later, I found out what what she'd crossed out and what had been prepared:





Stratton set bail at ten thousand dollars which made absolutely no sense. From own recognizance informal diversion plea toso damned dangerous that no amount should allow me to be on the loose to ten thousand dollars. Since I had no record, the bondsman agreed that 800 dollars was enough. Stratton ordered me back to the criminal court the next day despite Silverstiens protestations that he had to be in another court that day.

The famous glass box - Back to Division 40

We got the bond together right away but the "papers got messed up" again so I had to sit in the famous glass box we've all seen in the movies.  Silverstien had to have tried to recuse Kerlin but he didn't. She was there. James made a feeble effort to get me back on my own recognizance but Kerlin not only wouldn't agree her last words before setting another hearing in her court, "We'll see you back here if you're not in custody again."


The bond went through two days later( Something went wrong with those damned papers again.) At 12.30 A.M, on December 4th 2009, I had my last jail brand snack (A bag of chips- Granny Goose hot jalapeno.) There was nothing left for them to do but dismiss or go to trial.


On January 11th 2010, Silverstien called and sounded very serious. He wanted me to come into the office immediately. James met us by his door and led us down to Knecht's office where both men were. We sat down on the little kingly chairs in front of a big mahogony desk. James started with, "I talked to Boags. he's amenable to another plea. This one is even more amazing. Plea to trespass and go to a psychiatrist of your choosing.

"Now it's trespass. After all this, a psychiatrist and trespass?!"

Knecht chimed in with some hard truths, "Listen you don't have a chance. When the government is out to get you, you never win."

(So why good sirs didn't you tell me this before I signed a check for ten thousand dollars?)

"Look," I pleaded, "Why don't you just talk to the witnesses."

James stared at a candy dish on Knecht's desk, with unfocused and uncomprehending eyes. "You did talk to the witnesses, didn't you?"

"I'm not going to play that game," He said.

" There are witnesses, James?" Knecht asked with unfeigned incredulity.

James looked at him like a little boy who soiled his shorts.

"If there are witnesses, James, at least do a hall interview."

He nodded weakly and said nothing.

I left knowing that my 10k had got me James calling those doctors, and nothing else, except maybe a jolly rancher from Knecht's candy dish.

Later, Alissa Malzman would say about Silverstien, "He raped you. I hate to say it but he raped you. I can't believe he didn't talk to any of witnesses in all that time."

Without Silverstien though I would have been disappeared, so if rape has an upside I guess that's it.

And, still I kept James. A lousy lawyer was better than no lawyer. The next day we appeared before Kerlin again. Kerlin again floated the any pleas please. James should have responded with, "No pleas. My client has been tortured. She's clearly being railroaded and you are playing a part. What happened to a speedy trial. Where is justice? This is an outrage! I am outraged! You and this whole criminal justice system have so much splainin to do.

That did not happen.


The Tiger was annoyed but not at her. "Your honor," he whined, I informed my client that if she doesn't plea that the consequences would be even more harsh."


Now if you are well versed in the law or even if you are not, you know that a defense attorney simply doesn't make that kind of statement in front of the prosecutors and a judge. The dried peas were stuck to the plate. Don't hold it against me, I tried to scrape it off.  If he's turning on me now and not even hiding it, what's he going to do at trial? I had to get rid of him. But first that pesky substitution of attorney/ motion to withdraw again.


Villar again

At the motion to withdraw hearing, James goes up to the sidebar to talk to Villar. Again, no one invites me and again against all laws, it is not recorded. Back out in the hall, he tells me, "Oh by the way, they've added four more charges. Wwo for stalking. Two for criminal threats.

It would turn out they were all based on the same accusations made by Notaro to get the restraining order back in April of 2008. Those accusation are now 21 months old. The statue of limitations are long up. If things go wrong, I am facing seven years in jail. But, I'm happy. Am I actually insane?

No. No. You see all this time I'm talking about how the order was void and there can be no prosecution of it and aside of Howard knowing about this motion to attack the validity of the restraining order, I've been getting blank stares. Most haven't heard of it.
But because opening the restraining order will guarantee that all my beautiful witnesses can come in. So many hot showdowns. Martha Kelly vs Tobin Shea. Notaro vs all her statements and more, Nick Kroll vs. Jacqueline Montalvo, Heidi Vs Notaro. Same Vs Willen and Notaro. How sweet it would be.

In the hall a public defender comes at me - his face furious. "I saw you in that cage. I saw you in that cage. You are being so so screwed." I almost grabbed both his hands and said, "My hero. Will you help me." But, I kept my paws to myself, and calmly said, " So, you'll help me?"

Eric, that was his first name, said, "Yes. Give me a few minutes." On the way back I see Alissa Malzman hanging out in the hallway. I don't feel too friendly after she left me hanging in 95 and did nothing to sound the alarm. But, something makes me say, " You know what Eric said, he said he saw me in that cage and that I'm being screwed." Alissa took a deep breath and said, " I want to help you. I want to be your lawyer. I'm Eric's supervisor." And then she got all kismetty on me. "Didn't you notice are names are almost the same. Alisa. Alissa. Together again."  I'm terrible at even holding necessary grudges, so we practically laced fingers, swung hands, and skipped into court.

In a movie this would be a swelling of the soundtrack moment. In real life, it sort of was too. When Alissa states her intentions, Villar is visibly confounded. Here is a person who can't seem to keep a lawyer, who was a hair's breath from being declared incompetent just a month ago, and now here's a public defender looking all blissed out to get a chance to represent her.

Alissa asked me if I wanted to go to trial immediately. I said yes and she informed the the court that we wanted trial immediately. However, immediately, in court terms means who knows how long. A few days later we met in her office. She tells me her mother is outraged. I tell her maybe her mother should be my lawyer. She says, " No. No. I'm outraged too."

 I didn't walk around with a mic, but if you got this far I trust you won't think anything is improbable anymore. Alissa says, "Boags wants to make his name on this case, but then so do I." Then she stopped herself, "But that's wrong. This is not about me. It's about you. You're being maliciously prosecuted."


 Making your name on a tiny misdemeanor? Jesus Christ. If I'd learned anything about human nature during this, Alissa wanting to make her name was the best guarantee she'd try to win. I'd know about something called a void order for a few months now. Basically if you can prove that the order was obtained by fraudulent means you cannot criminally prosecute on it. She never heard of it but she promised to look it up. But, that was a last I heard about her looking into void orders until a few days into trial.

She started officially trying to contact witnesses to sign them into the defense.  Julius is happy to come in. He comes in and Alissa says about him, "I love him and he's gorgeous too. Sam she tells me is a "good kid and he's no longer reluctant and can't believe this is still going on." Heidi Feigin is pissed. Not only is Tig lying but she is getting phone calls from Tig's manager saying, "Why are you testifying for the other side." (Witness intimidation anyone?) And, best of all Jaqueline Montavlo has signed up for the defense.

Later I'd learn that the prosecution had wrote her name as a witness for the prosecution. I was sitting in court when she signed in. She never looked my way or smiled. Just sat there stone faced. (I'm glad she wasn't friendly. No I got your back winks. No pats on the arm. That would have haunted me even more.)

Two weeks later - March 4th 2010

Alissa had gone to a hearing on my case, and calls with three bullet points
1- They dropped the four charges
2- Boags is off the case(we later learned he was demoted to civil court.)
3- Montalvo is dead.

Her full name was Jacqueline Montalvo, and googling confirmed that she had died three days after I'd seen her in court.

Dropping the four charges should have been good news, but I knew it was bad news for me because it meant that they would try to keep out the validity of the restraining order. I was right. The prosecutor requested that everything predating the granting of the order be excluded. And, against Supreme Court law, The People Vs. Gonzalez, the judge agreed to the prosecution's demands. Alissa hand't heard of that 1996 law and so she didn't put up any fight then.

http://law.justia.com/cases/california/supreme-court/4th/12/804.html


Onwards to Trial

The only suggestions Alissa gave me was to dress down.- the old look like a librarian tactic. I thought my case was too strong and it was better to just look like myself.


Voir Dire

A jury is going to be picked or as it's called, Voir Dire. Oh my god, they are seriously going to pick a jury. Twelve actual people and even alternates for my lame three count case, where it's been known for over a year that everything alleged by Notaro was false.

 It all went by in a blur. I don't remember the questions posed them but I do remember the prosecutions favorite question, " Do you have faith and trust in the police?" No African Americans made the cut. But, we did have an African American judge and I think that made all the difference.


The first thing Judge Randolph H. Moore said was, "I see a very calm defendant in front of me." Which begged the question, what was he expecting? Judge Moore was an adorable looking man, but then again Hamlet's pernicious villains probably had their cute moments too.

When you are seated in a real courtroom as a real defendant with a real judge, and a real jury, your mind is filled with numb horror. Terror makes you stupid and slightly deaf.

But, I do remember certain moments. Like when the prosecution asked to add two more charges based on the same two facebook charges. This was their argument: Remember Judge Landin - the judge who signed that domestic violence criminal order. It seemed like they just found out about it and now wanted to use it against me mid trial. The argument continued that I not only broke the civil order but the criminal order. In other words, they are insane.

The problem for Moore was that Landin had signed the order without benefit of due process - without notice or hearing. Upon hearing their request to add the two more charges, Judge Moore looked at the piece of paper, and said, " I don't see any hearing here and I don't see any notice here."  Katie Ford who I nicknamed, "Freulien Ford," piped up, " But it happens all the time." Moore said, "Just because it happens doesn't make it right."

This is completely off script. A Judge was doing the right thing.  He was stopping them. I started bawling in front of everyone.

First up the first two Facebook Charges. Gregozek makes his grand entrance. He looks at me like I've kidnapped and killed his only child(The psychotic chutzpah of this guy!) Alissa's cross examination of him makes it clear that there is no evidence at all the support the two Facebook charges. Hoffman nor any member of the TMU don't show up(Conscience? I wish I knew.)

In Hoffman's place is Sam Moreno AKA Alex Moreno. Ford introduces Moreno as a computer forensic expert and makes him recite his CV for the jury.





































Wow. I am almost impressed. I fight very hard not to crack up in front of the jury, and pretty much fail. Moreno looked very uncomfortable, and like Gregozek, was forced to admit he found nothing. I think they called him to imply to a jury that although this all looks silly, the FBI and Homeland Security doesn't do silly. They want the jury to think,'There has to be more to this, even if we don't see it.'

The next morning, Alissa points out the obvious to judge Moore. She asks for him to dismiss the charges himself(acquit the charges. Always asked by the defense attorney. Very very very rarely granted.)

Moore says in essence, "absolutely."  The charges that they used to say I was crazy, cause I couldn't understand how they could have added them, were just thrown out cause they made no sense. Alissa gasped,looked astounded, and said to me, " I just never win this much."

Alissa tells me that since this is taking so abnormally long with all these hearings outside of the scope of the jury (that took up approximately 90% of the trial,) she very much doubts that they flew in Martha Kelly and put her up in a hotel for a week. She thinks the prosecution is about to finally pull the plug. She even points out a woman sitting in the court who is the prosecution's known plug puller. Throughout the trial, many prosecutors would sit in court, whispering amongst themselves.


They just don't spend that kind of a money, time or energy, for a misdemeanor, she tells me. The day after the two charges victory, Alissa seems strangely chilly. Not cold shoulder cold, but distant. We were hardly friends but this felt like a why don't you like me anymore situation.

Nine days in, and Martha Kelly did show up. She swears in and begins to testify. She mentions the firearms but now instead of calling Tig the next day or eighteen days later, now it's I called Tig minutes after she heard me say anything. Now she conveniently had no cell phone that night, and had to use a cell phone of a Michelle Billoon( who we learn is  residing  in Vienna at the time of trial) Sheesh. Conveniently, if say I had a lawyer - who ordered Martha Kelly's phone records- they wold not exist so they'd have to go to Vienna to get Billoon's. Double sheesh.

Alissa approached for the cross examination. I don't remember what exactly she asked, but only what she didn't. She doesn't ask her about the comedy festival booking at the Bentzen ball, a few weeks before trial. She didn't question why she didn't contact the police and why it took Tig 18 days to do so. She didn't mention the lawsuit and the timing of the prosecution after the lawsuit.

Next up was Jackie Kashian. Just like in Rosenberg's court she appeared out of the blue as a witness. No previous witness reports so no way to way to cross examine. If Martha Kelly, to her credit, seemed uneasy, Jackie Kashian seemed sexually aroused. If you believed her, that night at El Cid was the most miserable of her existence. And, again Alissa didn't ask her the questions she had to ask her. No mention too that she too got a gig at the Bentzen ball, a few months before trial.  No mention as to why if it was such a memorable trauma, she never told anyone until this very moment.

Her last witness, Jeff Klinger, didn't have much to say other than I made a scene. At this point, it was clear that Alissa was purposefully not going to ask the right questions. Note: Martha Kelly and Jackie Kashian had done some paid gigs in the past but Jeff Klinger was strictly was strictly an open micer. And guess what he got? Can't guess...He got a spot at the Bentzen Ball.

Well Alisa and Alissa had a good run till then. Et Tu Alissa.

I remembered something Alissa had said in her office before trial, " You know even if you get convicted on one misdemeanor it's not so bad. You're an artist, right?"
 No dear, I'm not an artist. I'm not going to drink absinthe in my garrote with my fellow artistes, laughing about my amusing little misdemeanor.

And, if I thought I might just be being paranoid about Alissa, I knew I wasn't when she told me she couldn't find the one witness that I needed to help my case when it came to the one remaining charge, A Tobin Shea- even though he was the manager of El Cid and still working there.

I believe that Alissa had started out on the up and up, but somewhere along the way she'd changed course. Under her watch, she'd had four charges dismissed, and two charges aquitted by a judge. Almost unheard of successes. Since she thought I was a creative type and a misdemeanor would not ruin me in the business world, she wanted to give her employers(The city) one win so they couldn't be sued.


All this is not just wild theory or supposition, as I will show you a little later.

And now it's time for the star witness. Tig struts into court wearing a minuature men's suit. Most alleged victims get the are you okay would you like some water, perhaps a tissue treatment, but Judge Moore sneered her name and misprounced it too - Nateerio. And continued to do so even after he was corrected.


I won't repeat all the lies she was allowed to tell. But, she throws in something new. My 5'5 115 pound sister,who was sitting on a bench outside throughout the trial, reading old New Yorkers, had apparently been beating her up on the regular And not just her, my sister had somehow located her family members and had pummeled them too. Wait did she just say my sister beat her and her whole family? My sister located her family somewhere in Mississippi and hurt them? Forget the eighteen days. Forget everything. Surely Alissa would rear back, take a deep breath, and say slowly and very sarcastically, "well well well Ms. Nateerio, that's very interesting. I'm sure you or a loved one reported this to the police.  Why is this first time anyone has heard of this? It slipped your mind till now, you say? How convenient, Ms. Nateerio. How very convenient.

This is the last time I'll use the well that didn't happen joke. Well, that' didn't happen. When Alissa got back to the table, I finally had the mindset the prosecution had tried to attribute to me all along. I wanted to kick Alissa in the leg, under the table. But her screaming, "ouch," at trial's end would be bad for my cause. Maybe I could dispatch my sister and her fists to show my displeasure. And, we'd get away with it too because her brand of violence apparent made her immune to apprehension and prosecution.

Alissa also didn't ask about the 18 days. Again did not ask about the lawsuit. Did not ask about her now five contradictory statements. Did not ask why my sister was free to be outside this very courtroom reading a New Yorker instead of being in jail for a series of assaults. Etu Alissa ETU!


Since Alissa was pretending she couldn't get a hold of Tobin Shea,and I was denied the collateral attack, I was stuck with only myself. I took the stand.

Since I was admonished not to say anything about the restraining order, there wasn't much for me to do to defend myself. I should have pulled an Al Pacino in Justice for All, but I couldn't shake my rule following upbringing. Also, my gut was screaming that it would be be unwise for the judge to get mad at me.

It all ended in the proverbial whimper. The judge made statements about how well he thought I did on the stand and I stepped down.





Waiting for the Verdict


When you spend twelve days, up close and personal, with your supposed peers, you begin to believe that they can see you for who you are. You imagine that after all this, they'll buy you a beer, and you'll all sit around saying, "I know, right?" And, then when you discover that you're just a stranger who made them miss work, it's a backstab twelve times over.


It wasn't the jury's fault. They were made to sit out in the hall for closed door hearings, for days. They didn't know that the judge expunged the domestic violence order, they didn't know about the four charges dropped, and how those facebook charges were added and why they disappeared. They didn't know about those comedian's bias. They didn't about Gregozek's bias. They were forbidden to know anything about Notaro's lies and the lawsuit. They never heard about Sam, Julius, Heidi, Montalvo, Badar, Nick Kroll et al. They never knew that someone in Tig Notaro's camp actually tried to intimidate Heidi Feigin out of testifying AKA witness intimidation, a crime. In short they didn't know anything about anything.


All they knew that her comedian witnesses and herself were not cross examined, implying that there was nothing to cross examine, and that my sister's looks must be deeply deceiving and she must be out on bond.

Maybe the thing that was most damaging though was Ford had managed to sneak into the jury instructions and the things that Gregozek had sworn to on the search warrants. All those long disproved lies presented to them as fact.


They ended up deadlocked 9-3 against me. Judge Moore had to send them back and so he did. Two ended up folding and one stood firm. Judge Moore did not send them back again. After the jury was dismissed Alissa sighed and whispered to me, "We're going to have to do this all over again." We?????

If Ford demands a retrial, she's going to get it. The numbers are against us. Even when the numbers are favorable to the defendant a judge will allow a retrial. It's called separation of powers. Meaning: It's the prosecutors call. The judge doesn't step in.

Sure enough, Ford stood up, and requested a retrial. And, the judge said in so many words, not on my watch.

Malzman looked shell shocked. Ford practically stomped her feet. But we have a rebuttal witness who could disprove everything she said on the stand. For nearly two years they had kept an omniscient magical witness hidden away and now she remained elusive for the duration of this case and this 12 day trial.

But Moore wasn't buying it.


Alissa talked waste and excessive power and asked that Judge Moore dismiss it in the interests of justice. For years I thought that Malzman's telltale heart couldn't take it anymore. It should have a long and complicated motion to write that went to a long and complicated hearing to hear. A judge almost never grants it and definitely never grants it after a single oral request.

He dismissed it In the Interests of Justice. No retrial. A final decision. No way for the prosecution to appeal it.

 Alissa looked like she'd fall over. I didn't offer a glass of water or a steadying hand. She didn't look at me and I didn't want to look at her. Our partnership ended without a hug or a high five.



Postcript

Most people's motives were murky and remained so. But, I did figure out why the Public Defender's office seemed to be working with angels on their right shoulder and devils on their left
Franica Tawn and Robin Ginsburg selling out so quickly, Alissa Malzman starting so strong and petering out so dramatically. After trial, I called Alissa saying I needed a few witness statement on seen on her desk but were not given to me in the discovery she'd sent. In particular, one made by Nick Kroll. She told me I could pick them up at the Public Defender's office on the 19th floor.

"I've come to pick up some discovery."

The secretary went to the back and brought out the top man, the lord of the PD's-- Michael Hoagie.

"Hi. Alissa told me I could pick up the missing discovery."

"You won," he said, "Go home."

He didn't say it like you won. Yay! Go home and relax. Take a nice long soak with some fragrant bath salts, maybe a candle. He said it like, "You messed me up now get the fuck out of here."

I said, " What the fuck is your problem." You're not supposed to say fuck to these people's faces but the trial was over and I was supposed to be free, so I repeated, "I want my discovery. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

" You better leave now. "

"I'll leave when I get my statements."

"I don't think you get it. You're not getting anything. Go home."

So in the end, as usual, I begin to leave, with a scathing blog post in mind. Just two steps out I saw a bunch of bailiffs soldiering down the hallway. Oh shit... there for me. Again! Christ, can I wait a week for PTSD to officially set it. Flashbacks anyone. I said, "What the fuck is wrong with you guys." Kidding. "I'm leaving officers I'm walking quickly and calmly towards the elevators, hands in plain sight. That was the last I'd see of Clara Folz until I was called for Jury Duty(Honest to god. I got out of that easily with my diagnosis of PTSD.)

So you see Hoagie had always wanted a plea. Bottom line the Public Defender works with the city attorney or District attorney to spare the city expense and to keep everything running smoothly. In jail everyone called them the public pretenders and that wasn't a joke. Never count on them. If you can afford a real lawyer... oh wait. Just go on the run.

So could all this be wild supposition or a well earned paranoid fantasy? Nope. After escaping the clutches of the bailiffs, I called Alissa. "You told me to come up and get it. Do you know what Hoagie did? Do you know what almost happened to me? How could you have done that? I trusted you."

"Alisa... stop... I work for the city." That shut me up. At least, she sounded sad.

What's the expression?... Pyrrhic victory. After everything I went through to get there, I had won with a question mark. Technically I was free to go. But if I had gotten the day in court I practically killed myself trying to get, I would not be stuck with easy slander and a crazy story I will never get out of my head, no matter how I try.  I never thought much about the money that you get from, "civil remedies." Even if I did get get something I knew it would take forever to collect. All I wanted was a teaspoon of vindication. A friend with an unused law degree told me that lawyers would be lining up.


I spoke to dozens, but, suing cops, judges, or prosecutors is not something lawyers tend to jump at, especially on contingency. Civil rights lawyers, I'd learn, aren't interested unless you are shot(preferably dead) Gloria Allred isn't interested unless you are a playmate(preferably a playmate who is the mistress of a big shot.)

Christopher Darden. Yes that Christopher Darden, had aged well and was perfectly polite but thought the case too complicated. Maybe his glove stunt made him gun shy. Finally, the lip licking lawyer from the beginning of our story shows up. As sexy as he saw it, a case like mine would take serious man power and he just didn't have it. So I was left with the only person that had righteous indignation and the ability to work for free.

It was a monster lawsuit and considering what I was up against, it's surprising it it wasn't thrown out right away. Judge Fruin kept bringing me back. A good sign. He also brought back a lot of familiar faces. Members of the TMU and that Lavely and Singer lawyer, Allison Sievers.

I got as far as Judge Fruin one day telling me that he sees I have gone through a serious injustice. Big Big damages and that I'll be able to tell it to a jury.

And after a whole year that this case was before Fruin, for two weeks since those statement, it seemed that the skies had opened the sun was shining, and things all made sense again.

And then at the next hearing Allison Seivers brought a Lavely an Singer favorite, a SLAPP suit and the city an immunity motion of some sort. Both did not relate to the facts of the case. But suddenly Fruin was saying stuff like " How am I doing?" to Allison Sievers, before he finally dismissed my suit, offering no valid legal reason.

As for the others, did I take Silverstien and Knechts betrayal lying down? No I sent evidence of his malfeasance to the bar and found out that basically a lawyer has to nap soundly throughout a client's trial in order to be reprimanded. (And, even then there have been cases were that is fine too.)

Since the bar or courts couldn't offer me any relief I once again turned to the internet to get a little Yelp inspired revenge - a site called Ripoff Report. With noble thoughts that it was my duty to save some other sap from eating a hypothetical bad burrito. Boy, did I misjudge that situation. Could Silverstien be so unethical, so vicious , so vengeful that he'd lie his ass off to save his sorry ass. Duh. Of course he would, and he did.
So now not only do I have to contend with appeals decision but I have to contend with his obscene rebuttal, on the internet, for all times.

Let go and let god. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord. Notaro said she got cancer and I would be lying so hard if I didn't think god himself had smote her.

I put as much evidence as I could on the internet. I have a stat counter on my blog and I check periodically i.e every day. Ips from Glendale(Kerlin) Pasadena(Jessner) Gregozek(Huffington beach) California courts, Department of Justice(call me!)

Over time the internet told me what happened to some of these foes. Boags was demoted to civil court. Karla Kerlin was demoted to civil court in East L.A. Stratton was demoted to civil court in Van Nuys. Karma came calling and Jessner took her place in 95, before being demoted to civil court downtown. Gregozek left the TMU and is a Sargent in the Southeast Division. A promotion in the police world but he didn't yet get the cushy security job he so desperately wanted. No more jaunts to celebrity mansions. He got a desk all the way downtown. And finally to prove that Karma is cruelly inconsistent bitch, a month after my trial ended, Judge Randolph Moore was kicked out of that court and transferred to juvenile.

Weird stuff kept happening that I don't want to go into cause I gave you so much strange as it is. I felt we had to get out of Dodge. I moved to a place with an area code to close for comfort(912) The first week there I somehow misdialed the last number and a cop showed up telling me I dialed 911. The look of relief on my face was so profound, he asked to come in and check around. He probably thought I had a body in the bathtub. He, like everyone, else found nothing.

And, me? I'm OK I guess. I have my triggers: Dialing my own area code, cop shows, judge shows, police sirens, hard benches, corruption stories, anonymous caller id's, pink ribbons, miraculous remissions, picking up the phone, getting the mail, lawyers with pocket hankies, lawyers without pocket hankies, hot chips, getting naked and on and on and on.

I've avoided most things Kroll but his ugly mug will pop up on my twitter feed, from time to time. I've been luckier with Notaro. She stays off my osmosis, unless she's made some news for stripping on stage, having fights with Amy Schumer and Louis CK. I found out about that stuff from a terrific little thing called statcounter. Recently I heard she wrote a book about her bum luck called, "I'm just person." Well, I just beg to differ.

I will end with a song lyric and a few handy cliches. Love isn't all you need. It doesn't conquer all. But it does help to keep you going. Love is what I got. Remember that.  I stood up for myself. I have my dignity. I fought the good fight. The truth shall set you free and Karma is going to bite them in the ass.

If you've gotten to this point, please leave a comment. It would mean a lot to some justice starved ladies out there.






Comments

  1. very good read and interesting as well in light of recent events about Notaro calling out Louis C.K. conveniently now that she feels slighted by him. You need a damn editor though. at least the lyrics at the end weren't I fought the law and the law won (although it was kinda a draw since you couldn't sue or hold anyone accountable).
    -good day

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    1. Hi there. I agree that the win was ambiguous as hell. and i agree that it needs editing. Working on that. Thank you very much for you comment.

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  2. Thanks for sharing this, comrade. I agree about the editing, but I get it. This is quite a whirlwind. This kind of thing is tough enough to compile for someone with research assistants and a big budget, much less for a lone person who's got to do it while rehashing the trauma of having been through it.

    Also, as wild a tale as this might seem to some, you brought receipts. As a minority who's had a run-in or two with a matter-of-factly corrupt 'justice' system, this all adds up to me. Keep the faith.

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    1. Beautifully written comment. Made my mother, sister, and I weepy. Yes I need an army to make this right it seems. I need to edit but the aversion to even look is STRONG. I have even more "receipts" that would further blow any mind. Thank you, dear comrade.

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  3. Duude... :) Although I got this one first Ä then Ö and Ü at the end. My Grandma came from south of Hungary to croatia, and I guess she was a heroine. The systems seems pretty corrupted, these justice people have to realize that they are had once they cross the line, that`s what totalitarians may feast on.

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    1. Thanks for this. You are right it's a form of totalitarianism. It's terrifying and I can't believe I'm not disappeared or dead. Thanks again.

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  4. I got here by reddit-crawling RE Tig's aspersions about Louis C.K.
    Wow. That was quite a saga you went through. Good read. I'm not sure if I should be angry or sad that I was not at all surprised by the amount of skullduggery that took place. Sorry for your troubles, either way. Here's hoping you can get a book out of this!

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    1. Thank you so much for this. Just saw it. It is a frigging book I agree. I wish I could write a funner book but what you gonna do. Thanks again.

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  5. Thank you for being so awesome! I completely believe in you and sympathize. I've had to deal with too many corrupt and broken systems and charges at the school, university, military, and government levels to have any faith left. Thankfully, more often to help others than to help myself. I'm eternally greatful to have an experienced attorney as a father. It allows me to go through this country and this world feeling a little bit better than completely unsafe. Take care and I hope you find someone to pick up your case or at least a publication to run your story! Maybe reach out to some publications now that Tig is in the news? "Tig Notaro tried to destroy my life: A True Story?"

    Much love from Texas

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    1. well Kroll has a lot of influence in journalism. On the board of center for investigative journalist. OY. But I'll keep trying. The problem is that there is so much evidence and they see it as too much work. Thank you so much Ben. Just saw this and it made my day. Sounds like you know the deal. I'm sorry that you do. It's a very scary thing to know. Glad your father causes you some peace of mind. damn I wish I could even think of ever trusting any lawyer after what I went through. Thanks again, Ben. Very appreciated

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    2. also Ben... Much Love from Georgia. Had to escaped L.A it felt like.

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  6. Tig is clearly a psychopath. I hope Louis CK fights back and she finally goes down. Great Read. Warm regards.

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    1. Thank you for this. I sure he fights back to. She'd have to be a psychopath to go that far. Agreed. Hearing it's a great read means the world.

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  7. It's a FAB read!!! I feel like a weirdo saying that because I know it's a nonfiction piece about something filthy incurred by you but I write this knowing you will know what I mean. Loved loved loved the humor...the balance of the piece. And the tension. Amazing tension...palpable tension. Your voice is clear and strong and unique and real. It reads like a script. I thought Erin Brokovitch (sp?) many times. Some of the Yiddish was lost in me but did not bother or distract...in fact supported your voice.


    On a personal note, like the true goddess you are you have walked through the Fire and lived to tell. It might seem like a consolation prize to you but from my vantage point not so at all. #Heroic

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    1. as you know I love this comment, Julie. Barely lived to tell more like it ;(. Thanks again my friend.

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  8. HO LEE FUK. That's some scary shit. My head was swimming half way through. I had to bail. Sorry I couldn't read it all the way through. Too intense. This could be a horror movie. It not only could be, it should be. It would make IT seem tame. Why? Because it's so freakin real. I may come back to it only because I can't stand not knowing. Thanks.

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  9. Also I was too freaked out to finish it. Is she ok? I will go back later but dang. We had one relative that was a bit like that. Not nearly so sophisticated. He came and served one of many lawsuits and legal actions on my cousin at my Grandmother's funeral. Seriously. I was so shocked. He literally sued my poor cousin into submission until she just gave up and let him take everything he could. Then he freakin died of a heart attack.

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    1. The legal or illegal system can kill you for sure. Hoping you return to it as hard as it might be. Imagine living through that shit. OMG!!

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  10. Hello :)

    Your story has stuck with me since I read it some months ago; it's quite a tale and it must have been a horrendous experience to go through

    As a story that's worth telling and being heard there's more to this than 'just' a blog post - I hope you, whether alone or in collaboration with another, can shape a book or play or script from it - It deserves an audience, you deserve to be heard

    I read this Kafkaesque tale in fascination and in horror

    It's extraordinary - it demands a script to be written, a movie or a play

    I am so glad you've come out the other side of it with your name and sense of humour intact X


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    1. My name is destroyed and I'm half as humorous as I used to be but I appreciate the sentiment my dear. Not on the other side yet maybe but thank you for this terrific comment my bestest twitter tweep.

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  11. I hope you’re able to get this story out to a wider audience. The convoluted nature of just how unfairly you were treated by all parties is fascinatingly compelling and worthy of widespread recognition! My best wishes to you with hopes of seeing news of a book, film, play or true crime podcast based on your story coming to light.

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    1. I hope so to. Please share it when you can. I think the convoluted nature of it and the fact that some of the players are super scary has made some journalists too gun shy. I have stories about that part of the story. This is a magnificent comment. If any of what you hope for comes to pass, I hope I can contact you and tell you about it. The only win here is in the fact that it finally got told. You can't imagine the difficulty level on just making it even coherent to anyone but us who lived through it. Thank you again, dear person.

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  12. Holy shit. Did you ever figure out why she started all this? Did she mistake you for someone else who *did* push her that first night? What was her motivation; what were her goals? Wow.

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  13. She had a look of bliss on her face when she through out the "you pushed me last time" lie so that makes us conclude that she just enjoyed hurting someone her friend once liked. We don't really know. We have theories but it's impossible to understand why she did this to begin with. Later on she had to save her brand and her assets(from a defamation suit) so you can guess that she had some motive to bury me rather than just fess up and cut it all out. That is the biggest mystery of this story I imagine. Thanks for this comment. Please feel free to ask anything more.

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  14. What an incredible and credible tale,

    I stayed up wayyyy past my bedtime to finish.

    It's interesting, I've also been in a situation where I've done my own legal research and I find it is an excellent and therapeutic use of time in place of conspiracy mongering. Just a reflection of mine that when I got past the uselfullness of conspiracy, I dove into the legal research and, (I like to think at least) quickly surpassed the knowledge of the subject material most lawyers have.

    Before I start to ramble, I want to let you know (odd as it may sound) that I'm proud of you. Proud of you for fighting, and humbled by your resolve to get up after being knocked down over and over again. Your story is a little inspiration to me of the triumph of your spirit over tremendous and daunting injustice, and I think you're super cool.

    (PS, nothing dramatic happened to me, just trying to save a park from a powerful private institution)

    -WHR

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    1. What a beautful comment to wake up to. Read it to my mother and sister and we all love you for it. It's been hard to keep getting up and your comment goes along way in helping without condition ;) I think you are super cool too. Thank you very much. Can you tell how you found your way here?

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  15. Got here via an indiewire comment.

    Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What an awesome read. I couldn't stop and at times I gotta admit I wanted to cause it was too scary. I barely heard of Tig Notaro but am a huge CK fan. I hope everyone reads this and then makes up their mind about the recent controversy. I hope it's okay to say but this was funny AF in parts. I know it must have been a traumatic nightmare but you are awesome to still have your sense of humor. I hope you get justice someday soon. Great read. Great writing.

    Love,
    Ellen

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    1. Thank you so much, Ellen. It was some nightmare. Comments like your make it all so much better. I used to be much funnier, actually. OY

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  16. My jaw has been on the floor the entire time... what a horrifying ethical freakshow. I remember your shares... but this ... well.... this makes Charles Boyer in Gaslighting look like a kindergartner! It is incredibly well written and how you can keep your wit and so sharp and droll. Kiddo ... I know your story was intense... but dear God. This should be a screenplay!


    I think of that movie about Frances Farmer with Jessica Lange, though that was so long ago I saw it.... but I remember feeling rage over her plight!
    ((((((Fernsy))))))) What an amazing recounting. Do you know about Jack Benny! I know you are a youngster next to me, but Jack Benny used to do this looks at the camera when unbelievably frustrating things happened to him. This is over 1000 looks I am thinking. 10,000? You are a strong woman. I am working for Akeem Browder Green Party in NYC. His brother committed suicide after not copping a plea and being put in solitary 2 years and spending 3 years on Rikers for allegedly stealing a knapsack. Charges were eventually dropped but he was so broken he committed suicide shortly after. Akeem, his older brother, was put in the system for having sex at 15 with his girlfriend, held until he was 16 and then charged as an adult as sex felon. Akeem wants to reform the system. The media will fight him and slander him, but he seems up for the fight. Their mother died after Kalief committed suicide from a series of heart attacks. Thank God for you spirit and outrage! ! xxxx Thanks for sharing this. Love, Bonnie (Libby)

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    1. Thank you old chum. Great comment. heard of the Browder case. Too tragic. I thought of the movies Frances, Gaslighting and one who flew over the cuckoos nest when this was happening. Something like this does make one very suicidal. Won't deny that.

      Whatta world. Thanks again, Libby.

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  17. An interesting and tragic, inside look at, the unbelievable lengths that people (and your tax dollars) will go to destroy someone, merely at the behest of the rich & powerful when they get bored. Or just when one of their shitty, unfunny, psychopathic friends gets bored with breaking kitten's legs, or whatever she does to pass time.

    So it's "over?" Only a decade of insanity from some sick comedy hacks, a billionaire, and a scale of justice with a lead weight on one side? They pretend to look for corruption but obviously they are there to hide the corruption of their ilk.

    Very well laid out with plenty of levity, but the substance is way heavy. Dark forces and you danced with the devil & his dogshit ugly son.

    This story is ever-shifting to other villains and victims. No one wins, and it never ends.

    Thank you for telling your chapter. Stay strong. Best wishes to you and yours.

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    1. Love you metal! great comment. you so smart.

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    2. and yes, the taxpayers funded Tig Notaro and Nick Kroll's boredom buster. Tragic indeed.

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  18. I don't believe any of this but it was a good read. But animosity and wanting to destroy someone's career is not the way to go about things. It's only gonna back fire.

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    1. I agree that Tig Notaro's newest desire to destroy another somebody -- This time her benefactor, Louis CK, will backfire. She got away with targeting the powerless but this time.... let's hope Karma takes care of her soon. This story is so much bigger than Tig Notaro but you can't see that because you are blinded by celebrity, even when it's fishy and z list celebrity. Notaro sought to destroy my name and career. But, you can choose not to see that. Many do see it, thank goodness.

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  19. Wow, what a read. I found this after having a weird feeling about Tig over the years, and seeing her attack Louis after he essentially gave her the small amount of fame she has made me look deeper. Kroll has also always struck me as a sleazy guy. The fact they were able to get away with all of this is terrifying. As is how readily their comedian friends eat up a lie and spread it around. It made me so sad to read that Harris Wittels believed and spread it.

    I'm glad you won, empty as the victory might have been, and that you moved away for some peace instead of being locked in a cage because some insane narcissist singled you out so she could get the pity attention she wasn't getting pre-cancer or being able to capitalize and cash in on her mother dying.

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    1. Winning was so much better than the alternative. The alternative being forcibly medicated and essentially, "dissapeared." I can't even believe it still. It is all so terrifying . Thank you for bearing witness. Not sure Harris Wittels believed it but i guess it's possible he did. We'll never know now.

      I agree with you -- this was her pre cancer pity attention grab. She loved the idea of having a stalker and she didn' t mind the idea that she had to create a fake one as long as she got the attention. We found out that requested special "green rooms'" and really got into the whole victim things. Thanks a lot for you fine comment.

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  20. LOL, you are clearly batshit insane. Please seek professional mental health services.

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    1. I expected these kinds of fake you are are crazy comments. No surprise that a few creeps or reading comprehension disabled folks would show up.

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    2. No reasonably intelligent, rational person could make it through a single paragraph of your story without identifying you as a total loon. Please get help, before you end up hurting someone or yourself.

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    3. No reasonalby intelligent or rational person would believe a word you say, after reading this. Read the comments. No one is buying your bullshit, trollface. It's getting so many hits and so much positive feedback. It must be driving you crazy.

      Delete
    4. You're utterly delusional, and your story is obvious horseshit to anyone who is not mentally retarded. Good luck avoiding confinement to a padded cell.

      Delete
    5. didn't know they had such virulent and imbecilic trolls in salt lake city. a troll who checks to see if I reply at 3 am? what a tragic troll this one is
      Salt Lake City,
      Utah,
      United States / en-us Comcast Cable (98.202.213.155) Label Visitor

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  21. It's always a sad and sobering reminder of how there are 2 justice systems ones for those with money and one for the rest of us. It's infuriating to hear the things you were put through. The indifference these people show while ruining someone's life is sickening. One can only hope that they have to experience the same things they put you through. Your attitude about the whole ordeal is admirable. You should also be commended for not giving into the overwhelming pressure of a fixed system. Hopefully good things will come your way and eventually you will be able to put this whole thing behind you. Maybe you should become a lawyer I bet you would be a great attorney with all the impromptu training!

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    1. Great comment. Thank you. I would wish this on my worst enemies ;) cause these enemies are the worst. Would love to put this all behind me but still lots of time and circumstance to go. Thought about being a lawyer but it was so fixed and scary that whole system.... can't imagine.

      Thank you again for this terrific and kind comment.

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  22. This one of the best things I've ever read on the internet. You turned your tragedy into art. Much respect. I hope someone takes on your story and spreads it all over. It's a story that must be more famous.

    Kudos for fighting that hard and winning and then turning it into such an awesome read. I went through something similar(but much less traumatic) in the family courts. I can't even imagine how rough it must be to relive it in this way. Thank you for this great read and applause for not giving in under such monumental pressure.

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    1. I love my commenters. This totally made my day. If you read this, can you tell me how you found your way here,


      love,
      alisa

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  23. What a captivating, horrifying story. I so hope those involved get their comeuppance. Also have to add that I think you're amazing. Pretty sure I'd have caved or had a breakdown under such massive, orchestrated bullshit and abuse of power. You're awesome.

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    1. I'm not aware of enough comeuppance yet to feel peaceful but some cases where it keeps me going. Thank you very much for you kind words. I didn't cave... that's true... but I had plenty of breakdowns ;) but that came after. It's as if some higher made sure I made it till trial and a little after and then.... not so much. Thank you again lovely commenter of mine.

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    1. That says plenty. Thank you for reading the whole thing. My beloved stat counter tells me such things ;)

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  25. I missed that you asked me to post here on avclub. I thought this was an insanely entertaining read, and I want to believe it. On Alison Rosen's podcast I heard that Tig was an abusive roommate to David Huntsburger (he played it off as a joke but she constantly called him a stuttering retard). That kind of abuse is never a one off.

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    1. Thank you very much, kind commenter. It is hard to believe and I wish it weren't true, but it is. Agreed that kind of abusiveness is not a one off. I've heard horror stories about her, but for now she's still shielded by the cancer story(that I also think is a fake,)let's hope karma is real.

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  26. Wait, Nick Kroll is a trust fund baby? (I'm being completely sarcastic. I'm not surprised.) I'm so sorry you went through this. I hope the bastards don't actively seek to discredit you. It'd be pretty difficult to do. It's always astonishing when these so-called progressive comedians end up being the most oppressive pieces of trash on the planet. My heart goes out to you. Lastly, your sense of humor shines brightly here in the face of adversity. Never stop because I think you're absolutely brilliant!

    Jon

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    1. You sound like you have a lot of soul, Jon. I've been trolled for years but this time their attempts to discredit don't feel too effective. But they'll keep trying, of course. It is amazing when those who set themselves up as liberals act so incredibly oppressive. Thank you for this incredibly kind and supportive comment. I won't stop and that's due to people like you.

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  27. One question: Did all of this start out due to typical lesbian drama? I ask this only because my gay GFs, I am straight, ALWAYS have major drama in their lives, which I attribute to their dating women from within the same friendship pool.

    I must admit I skimmed over the boring she said/she said BS re supposed incident, as reported by Tig....it was just too much to process, and unbelievable, to boot. Happy to report that I watched Tig's Netflix series, last year or so, and found it so boring I was unable to finish it. It's strange that she is enjoying an unearned popularity. Hopefully she will NOT be on the circuit that much longer.

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    1. Hi there bitch next door,

      No drama on my side and we didn't have the same friends or travel in the same circle. Hell I don't even have a circle. She is so totally enjoying unearned attention but not sure about the popularity. I think so much of it is manufactured but that's another story. She'll be on the circuit with Nick Kroll's backing. She can't lose and it's very sad to see for me obviously. Thanks for your comment.

      Delete
  28. BTW, and I know you will not appreciate it, but I must point it out.....for someone who claims to be a writer you consistently use 'YOUR' when it calls for 'YOU'RE', the correct version of 'you are'. Also, you incorrectly spelled Jewish last names in the above post, specifically those ending with 'stein'. You always inverted the 'i' and the 'e'...hmmm, subliminal anti-semitism? Additionally, watch your usage of 'too' and 'to'....those are pesky little errors that scream 'I am NOT a real writer'. (These errors are also on your Twitter feed)

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    1. I appreciate it and will go over it again. I keep missing it obviously. I know it's the right usage but just keep messing it up with no intention on my part. as for subliminal antisemitism... I don't see how you'd deduce that from my lack of spelling and grammar skills. I'm Jewish AF. No hmmms there. Thank you a lot for pointing out these regrettable oversights.

      Delete
  29. I want to believe, and to a certain extent I do. But, as others above me have pointed out, for someone who indicates they are a freelance writer, your grammar and punctuation are abysmal. You would gain a lot of credibility if you did fixed the problems. Better yet, have a friend read it over and edit it.

    Also, I noticed that in one of the (I think) competency evaluations someone crossed out "albeit eccentric" after noting your competency. I hope it wasn't you who scratched it out. Personally, I think you should restore that text, even if it wasn't you who removed it. Wear it like a badge of honor. There is nothing wrong or illegal about being eccentric. Leaving it scratched out makes it look less like you are simply recounting the facts and more like you are playing aggrieved victim.

    Anyway, I too have had some experience with grifters who decided to take me down, so I don't find the story completely unbelievable. I lucked out because I found an absolutely FANTASTIC attorney who made it all better. I'm sorry you didn't have that luck. I'd refer you to him, but he has since retired.

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    1. I didn't cross that out. The problem is I'm not eccentric and she should not have written any such things. It was purely a cynical cover your ass move on the part of Alissa Malzman Sterling. Jaw droppingly cynical. I appreciate that you find it hard to believe. I still can't believe it. I also appreciate you constructive criticisms and will try my best to remedy the situation.

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  30. This is a very compelling read. I practiced criminal defense for several years (since retired) and I've seen some shit, but never shit like this. This story shoes the corruption, hypocrisy and just rank incompetence of many working in the criminal justice system. It's not a level playing field, no matter what they say. Luckily, you ran into a decent judge. Many aren't that fortunate.

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    1. agreed about the decent judge and how it's not a level playing field. I can't help but be bitter about how the good judge would not allow the collateral attack on the restraining order that was required by law. Had that happened the story would have such a happier ending. But all things being relative, I have to try and be grateful. I imagine many lawyers would find this interesting. Thank you for this fine comment.

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  31. What a fucking SAGA. You couldn't make this stuff up! I started reading at 10:30 and I read for four hours to the end including the comments. This is disgusting and horrifying, and yet somehow so fascinating I couldn't put it down. I can't begin to say how bad I feel for you, and how fucking astounded 8 am that shit like this (corrupt cops, judges, doctors etc.) goes so deep. And is so hard to fight. They almost had you committed?!! This is like something out of the 1930s, or some backwards-ass country under a dictatorship. Besides "Tig" and Kroll both being unfunny garbage, they're both just incomprehensibly evil to carry this out so far - or even at all. You talk about karma in your tale, and I don't believe in karma. I don't believe in heaven or hell either, but I almost hope there is a hell for people like them and all the other corrupt pieces of shit in your story. You're incredibly brave for getting through this alive and sane. You are amazing. (Sorry that's so long, but FUCK this story moved me).

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    1. I sure hope you come back and read this reply. You sound like an incredibly simpatico person. You even put her name in quotes... OMG. Yes they are unspeakably and incomprehensibly evil and I have no choice but to pray for karma, as illogical as it is cause the question becomes what did I do to deserve such epic misery. I love love love this comment and you for writing it. So glad it moved you and wish it was even longer, to be honest but it's comments like this that keep my poor old heart a ticking. THANK YOU.

      Delete
    2. And yes they almost had me committed and forcibly medicated. Just pondering that makes me feel as if I'm going to faint from fear. Exactly on the dictatorship or oppressive regime part. Not supposed to happen in America and I'm finding hard to cope with that set of facts. Thank you again for this splendid comment. I did get out of it somewhat sane but I'm as addled as fuck, as the kinds don't say ;)

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  32. I think if Kroll was not a friend of Notaro's it would never have gone as far as it did. There is a lot of money and power behind that name. And ego too. On Nick's part as well as his dad's. Never heard of Wittels. But Kroll's dad made nicks endeavours possible. I've read going as far as financing projects "if" nick was able to be apart of it.

    I'm still not sure what people see in Notaro other than her cancer story. I do not find her funny. But when I read in your story about her connection with Nick it started to make sense.
    Funny how she was giving opening mic spots to unknown comedians who could of testified in your favour.

    And the fact that a lot of judiciary folk were demoted to lesser positions. It's easier to demote than admit your lawyers/judges/police were being influenced and "bought off" by a big influential conglomerate controlled by Kroll. That would open up a bigger can of worms.

    Power is the most addictive drug in the world. That's what the Kroll's crave. And yet...it turns out that a fabricated misdemeanour gave them a dash in the loss column.

    I'm definitely gonna look into the Kroll name. I can't believe that a year ago I shut off her special and just recently made fun of Kroll's acting and comedy and now I'm hearing all this smh.

    Right on and keep fighting the good fight

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  33. Had trouble leaving a comment. Just glad your nightmare story can be told! Still astounded! You are so brave.

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  34. This was a great read. I stayed up way too late reading it and now the sun's coming up. Having boatloads of cash sure seems to grease the wheels of the judicial system. There is so much wrong with how much your income affects the experience of the US judicial system is.

    It's so frustrating that time after time, the self-interest of individuals trying to climb some career ladder completely overshadows any sense of duty or justice.

    Linking a sort-of related book you might be interested in. it's about the motivations on the other side of the coin: when US prosecutors are hesitant to take on cases involving wealthy and well-connected people to avoid the risk of hurting their conviction rate.

    https://www.amazon.com/Chickenshit-Club-Department-Prosecute-Executives/dp/1501121367

    A lot to ponder here. Thanks again. I wish you the best.

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    1. Great comment. Sorry to keep you up so late but i gotta say that made me happy cause it was so hard to take ALL THIS and make it readable much less hard to put down. I couldn't get over the ruthless opportunism I saw during my time in that system... nightmarish. I will try to check out that book you linked though i know it's bad everywhere and it's too depressing to handle for me since I lived through something that made me see how stacked the deck is. Thank you again for great comment and best wishes.xoo

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  35. Not going to lie, I completely feel your situation. I had a "junior" version of your situation as a teen, I had a bunch of details typed out but then I decided not to talk about it.
    I can't even imagine what it would be like to go through something like what you went through, though. I'm utterly disgusted by the events that transpired and I'm sorry that it happened to you. I'm honestly even at a loss for words right now, I don't know what to say. :(

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    1. You sound like a sweetheart. Sorry you can relate in some big way. It was hell on earth going through it and even now I gotta say but with every month it gets a little less worse. You said plenty but feel free to say more if you ever get the urge. Thank you dear Greg.

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  36. Hello Alisa,
    I had heard about Tig but I really discovered her for myself the day before yesterday and I was so intrigued by her and her very different style of comedy that I went off to Netflix and watched her documentary and have been watching her interviews practically non stop. I just saw a video of an interview of hers on YouTube and was reading the comments and someone had posted a link to this page that I’m typing on now. Surprise surprise I can’t bear to go back to YouTube and watch any video of hers ever again. When I started reading your article - I couldn’t believe it. But I found myself reading through the whole thing and I just want to say - you are an incredibly strong person. I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through. You kept going you refused to back down. And while reading I reached a point beyond which I knew I believed what I was reading. And only one word popped into my head: Karma. You’re right. Karma came a’knockin for her. I still don’t understand why she did this to you. WHY? I thought maybe America would be different but I guess the rich and powerful get away with stuff anywhere they want. Wishing you all the best! Hope you get back into comedy and kick everybody’s collective butts.

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    1. Dearest Tanushree,

      Your comment made me and my girls(sister and mother) cry. Thank you so much. I saw her comedy routine that one time and I liked it and said "good show" so the WHY is the biggest mystery still. I think she's a very cruel and mentally disturbed person to be honest. I don't think i or anyone can ever know why she'd try to destroy a total stranger. Maybe Stef Willen poisoned her sufficiently but that doesn't explain why she'd go so out of her way and lie and lie like she did. I mean she sat, under oath, in front a jury and no shame or even any effort to be truthful.

      I have been told how strong I behaved and I don't see it but appreciate you saying that. I hate to toot the old horn in any way, but I guess the fact that my grandmother literally stood up to the Nazis has something to do with me not being able to back down in the face of abuse of power and just general evil. I was just all, "nope. not going to submit to this level of evil bullshit." Sorry you found a comedian you liked and then had to found out she was as rotten as it gets.
      As for Karma, let's hope a real display happens soon. Very rough to see her get away with murder for nearly a decade now.

      If you come back... You say you are not from America... where are you from if you don't mind me asking?.... I thought America was not capable of say uh uh using the mental healthy system to bury an innocent misdemeanor defendant. I thought that stuff only happened in Iran or China or during Soviet Era Russia. Hard to face the fact that it does happen here and now.

      OK, I'll stop now. Loved your comment and love you for having the heart and intelligence to write it and post it here.

      Warmest regards,
      Alisa

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  37. It took me about a week to read this. I had to step away after a few minutes each time because it's just so infuriating to see someone experience something so incredibly unfair and unjust. Unfortunately, I'm not all that shocked by it. I haven't been through anything like this as far as the legal aspects go, but having been in the lesbian community for a couple of decades I've definitely seen power plays like this before. For some people, there's no limit to how far they're willing to take something. I'm so sorry you and your family have had to go through all of this but I admire your strength so much and I thank you for sharing your story. I'm also glad you have what seems like a fantastic support system in your family. It makes all the difference in the world.
    I wish you all the best as this gets put WAY behind you!

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    1. Very interesting,kind, and intelligent comment. I do think Notaro was doing this all to flex some power, to show someone(me) who is boss. Well she sure showed me ;( There was no limit to how far she would go and then the corrupted system took it from there. Thank you so much for this lovely and insightful comment. So true about the support system. I would totally be a suicide if not for them. Still it feels great to get support and compassion from your comment and all the lovely comments I keep getting. THANK YOU!

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  38. Your story should be dismissed for the lies that they are except for the fact that it's a narrative that is so long, so perfectly intricately layered, with real life documentation, that it would be near impossible for someone who is a liar to be able to write a near perfect screenplay as consistent in the theme from beginning to end as you have done.

    It just can't be done. I don't believe you are that skilled enough to fabricate it. I don't know who you are, but it seems that you don't have the track record, or portfolio to be able to come up with a screen play this well. The details, the characters, so stereotypical, yet based on perceptions.

    If you did fabricate it, then you are literally an oscar worthy screenwriter, as the twists and turns of your plot, character motivations, and pacing are near perfect, if not for a little long.

    If you did fabricate it, then you have crafted a near perfect story on the level of "12 years a slave" A Kafkaesque event leading into a near perfect legal drama with fully fleshed out characters with perfectly constructed motivations, with a near perfect dialogue with a near perfect ending demonstrating the ludicrousness of it all with a near perfect commentary of the justice system and the people that work within it. It almost mirrors 12YAS in complexity and theme.

    So your tale has to be true, except that it's difficult to find the motivation or the nucleus that caused it all and stitches the Kafkaesque thread of your narrative. Your credibility on this hinges on it.

    But just like other good stories, yours adheres vehemently to some very common storytelling tropes. Again, if all of this is made up, you're a brilliant story teller.

    'Follow the Money' detective story is there. 'Broken System' Kafkaesque narrative is there.

    But your unique take is an addendum of tropes that has been visited more often lately, and that's the trope that what makes for a great comic is a broken desperate angry pathetic person.

    And here's the big one. "Write what you know."

    TV is a fickle picky permanently voracious beast. I love Flight of the Conchords. I want more, but they only had enough for 1 great season. That's it. If you look into the creative process into it, it took many, many years and iterations and hard work for that show to be so perfectly crafted into that first season. It didn't happen by accident.

    I love Master of None, but Aziz Ansari didn't just say, 'hey, I'll start my own tv show' he had a prior interest in the dynamics of human relationships and researched and wrote a book with an actual psychologist exploring those ideas.

    cont...

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    1. There's a genesis or nucleus of actual creativity and hard work that goes behind it that leads to success, and I just don't see that with Tig. I want to. I just want to enjoy a good show and leave it at that. But she had to become vocal on an issue that ironically enough, her character on the show dealt with more effectively than she did in real life.

      "One Mississippi" is a two season show spanning 12 half hour episodes. Think about that. A whole life of 'Write what you know' condensed into 6 hours. One hour based on a rumor about somebody else. That's pretty thin. I can barely remember what the show is about except for the overarching theme that the character has a constant desire for exterior validation and companionship.

      If TV is an insatiable monster, and you 'write what you know' and all you come up with is just 6 hours over two seasons? That's a question. Or a theme. Or the payoff in a story

      And, if this is all fake, and you're just a story writer, then let me guess as to why your life was made a living hell.

      Your life was made a living hell because someone, a comic, wanted external validation/companionship and wanted to champion/protect your ex friend because without any control in her life, she focused on your ex friend's story, and not hers. Your ex friend probably knew internally that you're perfectly safe, but the antagonist recognized an opportunity to imagine themselves in the situation and extrapolatie consequence from it.

      It's what comics do. They put a magnifying glass on social issues and make a commentary on it. It's supposed to be humorous, but instead the character made it completely about themselves.

      What's the motivation behind behaving like this? It adds to their narrative. Why would anyone want to add to this narrative? Pick the simplest narrative. If there is no narrative, and you don't work to add constructive narrative, you create drama.

      The antagonist creates drama inorder to have content in order to write what they know.

      Why would an antagonist destroy someone for content? Simple. Comedy, Alchol. Drugs. Impaired decision making. Or ambition, or greed.

      Comedy has a strong distaste for 'joke' stealing, which is ironic because 'that' episode, and the whole 'famous comic' masturbation issue is not her story, it's not her issue, but she's certainly bringing attention to herself by talking about it.

      For someone with 17 years of comedy behind her, the archives are pretty thin with her material. Early Chris Farley, early Chris Rock, early Tina Fey, and yes even early Louis CK, you can find tons of stuff from them. Lots of work, lots of talent. Lots of standup, lots of unique evolving material.

      I can't type anymore. Other tropes if this story is fake, then brillantly written in. "Student surpasses and overshadows/kills master" "Character befriends Manic Pixie girl that has the faculty to make poor choices, but never suffer the consequences of."


      Your story, if fake, is brilliantly written. The bones of which are the framework of a brilliant legal/cop procedural at minimum. It's got "The Wire" written all over it. It's got "Better Call Saul" written all over it. It's got brilliant dialogue in it. "I work for the city." Such an amazing line, so many layers, so many possibilities. Is it delivered as a cold callous lawyer? Or is the line read as as someone self-aware trapped in something she didn't sign up for? Or is it delivered as a burnt out lawyer that is too tired to care anymore?

      I think it's something you should really explore and find people who want to write what you know.

      There is something here and if it ever becomes something bigger it would be the biggest validating experience ever.

      But probably not, because Kroll.

      Good luck, and I wish you the best.

      Delete
    2. Probably not because of Kroll is one of your many many astute conclusions. Are you a professor of screenwriting or literature. So true one would have to be a mad genius to make any of this up and then to create documents? I loved loved loved this in depth and brilliant comment. Such a godsend actually.

      Your extrapolations as to her motives is also so damned astute. My theory as well. Something with just creating drama and pain for the sake of it and then to pretend she has a stalker so she can feel famous before she got famous.

      I assure you everything is true. You are right I don't have the stuff to make this up. Not by a long shot. I wish it was all fiction but every word is true and it's stranger yet. i had to leave out a few scenes cause it felt too crazy to believe as it is but with your encouraging commentary I think I will add them very soon. Whoa, more nuttiness took place even and so nutty some of it that .... can't even ;)

      Of course I would never watch her show and haven't watched anything of her barring one youtube video more than nine years ago cause Stef Willen kept telling me to check her out. I want to watch to get clues or even evidence but too painful to look at her or hear her voice. I've had to get intel but it's agonizing to see that mean face and hear that sociopath's monotone.

      All the your points and thoughts are so right on it's uncanny. You really really get it. Thank you so much for that. I could go on and on but I'll stop there and hope you return to read this. As you said motive is the great unsolved mystery of this case but I think your take is the right one. Notaro is a very damaged and destructive person and I just hope justice someone can ever be achieved in this case but with Kroll on the case, I doubt it. Thank you again smart and generous human.

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  39. Hope you don't mind my genuine curiosity with this case, below I have a few questions.

    How old were you when you had your first alleged 'run in' with Tig?

    When you were in high school/growing up did you ever have someone act in a similar manner towards you or your sister?

    Has anyone else ever tried to take you down in this way before?

    Do you and your sister still live together?

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    1. "alleged run in," and the rest... really ungenuine seeming questions. Would be happy to answer any questions but these seem real trollish. I'll just say me ad my sister never suffered any persecution complexes. On the contrary, in general we are treated very well by people and we treat them well.

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    2. as I suspected.. a troll... never came back to read any possible answers.

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  41. Omfg just lost another long message on here. Really hating this blogspot. Anyway, I came across you years ago on a Who the hell is tig search and did not go too deep but remember thinking you sounded much more like somebody who had been genuinely wronged and not some libelous crank. Then I forgot about it until I saw one of my favorite tweeps was posting a link so here we are. Having read through this and knowing you from the games I don’t see any reasons to change. I’m sure you do get labeled as a crank but is someone who got wronged in this manner supposed to act? I would be raising bloody hell too as long as I felt like it and then another month just for good measure. So just know you have people who believe you, who have seen this happen to others, and who appreciate you for your wit in the games and your fight in general. I burned my lay account and went anonymous because the social side one day just went from being fun to being a butden, but I do miss our previous interactions so don’t be mad when you see me being less social now. It’s like that with everybody and a stupid defense mechanism but necessary for me right now. And my secret identity? 🤓... Don’t you go telling. I will see you in the games.

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  42. As I'm reading this I have this awful sick feeling in my stomach, at the moment I've read up to the raid where you've been handcuffed, really upset at the way they treated you, your mom & sister. I knew corruption is rife throughout many levels of society, this extremely nasty woman with her personal vendetta towards you, pulling the strings of various people just goes to show what power, greed, money & knowing the 'right' people to help bring someone down.
    Someone innocent. I am so sorry that this has happened to you, I will finish reading it, I just wanted to reach out & answer your tweet.
    You are a very strong woman, seems like you get that from your mom & it runs in the family. You have my utmost respect & even tho your experiences have shocked me I knew corruption exists & there are people with personal vendettas that are unwarranted. Stay strong, all these people that have had a hand against doing this towards you have to take this to their grave knowing that they are the lowest of the low & they should feel guilty & sickened at what they all have done. I am without a doubt a very kindhearted & good person that is stronger after all this has happened to you. You are in my prayers ������❤️

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    1. This delicious person made my day. Hey there are good people out there. I need to know that a lot. Thanked on twitter.

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  43. My god. I have been a huge fan of Kroll and tig for years and this just completely breaks me. At first, while reading, I was convinced you were a crazy stalker, but by the end I'm convinced you were absolutely gaslighted and lied about by two artists whom I've supported in different ways over the years.

    It's so disheartening to read just how many people did you wrong. I will not consume any content by Kroll or tig, (unless it's pirated haha) because of your post. You've gained a reader and a Twitter follower.

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  44. On Tig's twitter page, it appears that you are posting under a pseudonym. I think it would be wise not to do that. Especially if everything you've written above is accurate. Calling her cancer diagnosis "supposed" just sets you up for more unwanted attention from those who would rather see you committed once again.

    This blog post is frightening. Having gone through that, I have no doubt that those posts could be used against you and you just don't need that. But it's sort of funny to read about Nick Kroll. Tell you why... when he did that 'puberme' thing with Stephen Colbert, and was pledging at that money himself, I wondered where the heck he - a really third rate comic - could come up with that kind of cash. I would bet that if we were to review the paperwork, one of the Kroll businesses had to wheel in the cash wheelbarrow. His comedy act (if you can call it that) is just so passe' and so poorly done when compared to all of the masters who he tries to imitate but almost always fails. He has that 'daddy pays my way' faux disdain act going on. I can name ten comedians who did that crap a million times better than he will ever be able to do.

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    1. thank you for your fine comment and your concern but I simply can't afford to be scared. Nick Kroll is the pits of the pits in every way. I am very sad I ever had to know of someone like him. His comedy is abysmal and it's all paid for with the dirtiest money imaginable.

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  45. It had to be incredibly traumatic to write this story, but many people will be happy you did. You really endured hell, but the result is a first person account of what it is like to take on this type of machine. It's a valuable case study; hopefully, people can learn from it and eventually learn to game it to their advantage. If I owned a publishing company, I'd assign you an editor and publish this in book form--it couldn't be more topical and timely. You have a great sense of humor and know how to turn a phrase, but the piece needs to be reigned in a bit--maybe someone with some distance could help you. Also, I had a hard time reading some of the documents.

    Stories like yours inspire me to stand up more for people who are victimized by this system. Good luck, and I hope you don't give up comedy, although I bet you're sick of that scene after your experience.

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    1. Your comment made me cry. yes it's all too traumatic to withstand most of the time. I need to fix the document problem and even add some other smoking gun documents. We have cop notes where they wrote "Witness Lying" about Stef Willen . so much more. Thank you so much.

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  46. P.S. Kind of disappointed Dr. Markman didn't intervene more assertively on your behalf, since he obviously knew what was happening to you was highly improper. Also, would be interesting to know if he saw a lot of this.

    Lenny Bruce's funniest material was when he would riff off his his legal woes. He could go for hours. You could hear the pain behind it, but it was so damned funny... so funny it hurt.

    Seriously, I wish you the best.

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    1. I think he played some part in getting me Dr. Dupee but I'm not sure. He should have intervened. So many should have but just did not. Rough. I bet he did see a lot of this. The Bailifs treated me like gold and told me they have seen stuff like this before. But no one had the power to fight it, I guess. Thank you for coming back.

      One day I hope to riff on it all in a funny way. So far... not yet. Very best to you fine sir

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  47. All I have to say is you are an amazing strong person. Please take stock that you are strong and move on and beyond. You are a survivor of trauma. If you ever have a chance, help someone else who is in the same predicament.

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    1. Thank you for your kind comments. Trying to move on and beyond but it's very hard when those who did this have not been remotely punished. But I do try. Thank you again.

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  48. Hey, I don't have much to say, I just wanted to comment because you asked anyone reading to the end to do so, and after everything you have gone through, how could I not? You obviously need to be heard and believed and I just want you to know that I read every word and I believe you. It does sound absolutely insane, but your documentation cannot be denied, and you wouldn't be the first person to be so maliciously pursued by the rich and powerful. I'm a little sad to discover that comedians whose work I enjoyed are such horrible scumbags, but I'd rather know the truth about them so I can choose more wisely how to spend my limited entertainment budget. Your strength and determined search for justice are incredibly inspirational, your mother must be so proud. I hope my daughter grows up to have that kind of tenacity and faith in herself. I hope you and your mother and sister are well, I hope you find peace, and I hope that someday you will get real justice. Wishing all of you the very best, from Ohio with love.

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    1. Beautiful comment, Marley. Can't deny that they are SCUMBAGS of the highest order. Mom and sis are plugging along. Still shell-shocked but surviving. My mother and grandmother survived the Holocaust so I suppose I wasn't going to lay down in the face of more evil. Thank you again. Beautiful and cheering comment.

      From Savanna Georgia with love!

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  49. I can't imagine the hell you went through, I'm at a loss for words, but some how have so many questions rolling around in my head. you are a very strong person, not only for living through this but having the balls to revisit it by telling your horrific story.

    It's so hard to believe someone could be treated like this, I'm just shaking my head in disbelief, I'm on your side and wish I could do more than sending hugs on twitter. I will continue to retweet your blog, when I see it. If you ever need to talk please free to DM me or just @ me.

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  50. Dear Alisa, holy shit & what the actual fuck? i do not remember how i found this, tho i read it previously somewhere else. (huh what?). I am stunned at the sphincters
    horrible rude comments to you, and about you. Shame! They reek of someone who shall not be named.

    This whole thing is jaw dropping. Mine is still on my knees....let me just say I love your pit bull stamina. I am the same when it comes to what I know is right and needing to be heard.

    Someone mentioned what's her faces 'very different style of comedy'... hello? What comedy where? She sucks. She is so far from funny it isn't funny. I cannot tolerate her. And the ones who implied you 'fabricated' all this? OM________
    (insert deity of choice) who would ever have the time and energy to do so to this extent? And to the the 'Kafkaesque ' fan of Kafka.....get off your high intellectual horse. jesu. OK then, I am just stunned..... at the same time knowing shit like this happens all the time. It is scary. Isn't it one of the 7 deadly sins? or all 8 of them???
    ok, yeah. tired. kisses & hugs to your sis and ma. and you. such good girls. Peace.

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    1. All eight deadly sins for sure. God how I love your comment and you just so sound like our kind of people. The three of us send you big fat hugs and kisses. I expected trolls so no surprise on the few shitty comments. I expected worse actually considering the evil i've had to put up with for so long. I don't know if you found this by twitter but if you are on there please follow me @Trivagod. I would love to at the very least send you emoji lovin. bless you dear person.

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  51. Write a book. But seriously get an editor and be more concise. The fact that I read through this lengthy and typo’d story is a testament to how fascinating a story it is. I’m so sorry you went through this. And I’m sure your life was irreparably damaged. I admire your courage and tenacity. Now you need public vindication. Time is right with the TN and LCK stuff. Spotlight is on...

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    1. Yes I do need vindication and an editor. Thank you. I always want to keep editing and checking for typos but honestly it's traumatic to just look at it and I keep avoiding it. I so hope you are right about the timing. Warm regards to you.

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  52. I came here from a Reddit post (if you're interested in how people got here). I'm going to echo the need for editing, but am going to step up to offer to help if you're interested. I'm not anybody special, just someone that loves complex stories and organization. I can't promise a quick turn-around, but would be happy to restructure the text to make it easier for the reader to follow. If interested, you can email me at: IReadYourBlogAlisa@gmail.com (specifically created for this purpose because I'm not looking to get my personal life mixed up in all this; I hope you understand).

    Either way, thank you for sharing your story. I'll be honest that I don't know how much of it to believe and how much to discount, but the documentation alone should give any doubters pause. Court records are easy to verify and foolish to falsify. So this is either a best-of-my-ability recounting of a justice system already proven to be fallible, or you really are insane. The one seems a lot more likely than the other in my opinion.

    I do have a question though if you're willing to delve further into this. Notaro says in her Request for Orders to Stop Harassment (https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gLUQuMz3Sy8/VtddWZTAFwI/AAAAAAAAKds/2z-WGJ_mTRQ/s1600/tig%2Bnotaro%2Brestraining%2Border%2Brequest%2Bpage%2B1%2Bb.jpg): "She was briefly romantically involved with my ex" as to how she knows you. I apologize if I missed it, but did you comment on this at all? Was there involvement with an ex that you're aware of?

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    1. I wish I was insane. I think that would feel less painful than something like this happening. No there was no real relationship with Willen but she was Notaro's ex though that too is a weird story cause Willen told me they never slept together.... I think Tig's ownership feeling for Willen played a part but the specifics have never been clear. Check email cause I surely will take you up on your kind offer.

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  53. Fascinating read! As someone who has been through the legal system, I know exactly how it feels to wonder why nothing is making sense and how it's legal. I'm glad it's behind you.

    Do you think there's any chance that this Tig person is full of shit about Louis CK?

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    1. Thank you. Sorry you had to feel that awful WTF is going on feeling. I think the tig person is full of shit with absolutely everything but he did it and she knew it and still made it really work for her. Something very shady went on with him and how he promoted her and her career. I have theories galore. Very best to you.

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  54. Count me as one who can commiserate, comrade. Incredible Tom-fuckery actually led to my having quality time in County and even a few months in actual State Penn thanks to a Golden-Ghetto county legal system that takes it really personally when you not only point out their bullshit in court but get the Judge to agree with you. I was a marked man after that but I still got my own Pyrrhic victory out of it. Once I got to the State level (from which they intended to bring me back and offer me this thing called "Intensive Supervised Probation", which is essentially them getting to control every second of your life, take 75% of anything you make to pay "fees" and lock you up if they just seem to be having a bad day, which is how I finally wound up getting shipped off to the Penn in the first place), I set a record for how fast the Parole Board sent me home. I'm apparently the first person to actually be told "pack your shit" IN THE MEETING WITH THE PAROLE BOARD.

    And yeah, my attorneys were all complete knobs. There's way too much chummy behavior going on in what's supposed to be an adversarial system. I'm glad you got through it as well as you did. Other people who were being similarly screwed while I went through my case completely lost it and it just hurt to watch. You have my respect in SO many ways!

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    1. Dear Ken,
      So sorry to hear of your nightmarish war against what is a scary as hell system. Thank god someone decent let you win the Pyrrhic victory. In my case that one judge at least gave me the ability to be free to tell the story.

      Alissa Malzman Sterling was so chummy with the prosecutor(Katie Ford) -she said was participating in a "malicious prosecution," it was obscene to see. It's not an adversarial system unless maybe you can pay huge money to certain not as corrupt lawyers. I was a marked woman from day one but luckily I wasn't positive so I fought and fought and ended up with a nice hollow victory. Thank you for your lovely comment, comrade. Sending you love and support from the trenches.

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  55. Absolutely Hideous! I have been through something similar and I have the utmost respect for you. You are a strong person, and thank god for your family. Having been through it, it is always unbelievable to those who still think the legal system is impartial. Bought and sold - unfortunately. The hardest part is that those of us who have experienced this, and could support one another with the fallout - which is serious PTSD - don't have good ways of connecting. I'm grateful you told your story. It is an excruciating thing to do. The consequences of something like this last many years. Lots of healing to do. Will be wishing you well - always.

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    1. Beautiful comment.thank you. I wish I could hear your story. You are right, so many just can't believe it unless they see it themselves. You are right about everything you said and you said it beautifully. very isolating and damaging experiences we've had and there is no support groups etc. It was excruciating to tell and excruciating in general. OUCH. If you are on twitter please follow @Trivagod

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